I used to...

...plan my life around my work. I looked at my work schedule, and my class schedule, and my student's meeting schedules, and that's how I decided how much free time I had and when I could do other things for myself...I have found that now I am doing the opposite. I can't go to a student group's meeting b/c I have dance...or I'll go but leave early to get to my class. I am absent and quasi-absent-minded all b/c there are things that I want to do for and with myself that I have placed as more important than the work that I am supposed to be doing...

I am going to...

...direct message JLo on twitter with my video blog. I'm a little bit, like a lot a bit nervous about doing so, but I need to do it so I can make it happen. I might even direct message the other bloggers to see if they'd help me out.

Let's hope for the best. 

My brain is running....

....5000 miles a minute and I can't seem to shut it off. Yesterday as I drove away from the VMA get together I couldn't help but have a conversation with myself about my internal state of affairs, namely that it is almost the end of September (exciting, no?) and I haven't had a decent night's sleep yet...and in addition to that I'm pretty sure I haven't really just got back into the groove of being in school and working and focusing on the former and the latter. My brain is somewhere else...and that'd be okay if I knew exactly where that elsewhere was...but I myself can't even find it. I continue to get lost in the various non-academic texts I read. I have 'The Back-up Plan,' '27 Dresses,' and 'Double Wedding' on heavy rotation. I despise just staying in and sitting, but I also don't want to go out...too much, but yet not so much...I don't know. This is clearly the lack of sleep talking.

I think I'm gonna stop trying...

...I mean I'm sure the world knows that I am not huge on communication. One might hear from me once a month, or in some cases once every six months...depends on how school is going and my sleep cycle. But I'm actually in the same space as you. I'm here, and I actually attempt to contact you. Do I call? No, b/c I don't call. But I text and I'm available...and I get nothing. Am I mad about it? No, mad isn't really the word, I'm just a little disappointed. I knew I was number 2, and that's to be expected. I totally get that. But I'm slowly feeling as though being number two means being about 7 laps behind number 1, if we were running a race...and there's no way I'm going to catch up. I don't like the idea of being a quitter, but honestly right now I'm tired. I'm tired from my own daily dealings, and worrying about my standings with you is just adding stress to what I'd hoped would be a relatively stress free summer, and it's draining, so I'm just gonna not. I'm not going to care anymore; I'm not going to initiate anymore; I'm just not. Whatever is supposed to  happen will, and that's it. I've decreased in importance for you and on top of that I'm convinced number 1 doesn't want me in your life (which I'm gonna say I don't actually care about b/c the constant bigoted commentary was wearing my patience thin). If that works for you, it is what it is, and I'm going to have to be ok with it. I've never wanted an either-or type deal...I just feel like there needs to be balance...but that doesn't seem like it's in the realm of possibilities. I don't want to seem jealous or unreasonable or just an all around bad friend. I want the best for you and I want you to be happy. And you are...so I'm good with whatever. Besides that, I honestly have never been one to fight a losing battle, so number 1, it's simple. You win. I give up.

I need to see someone about this

Ok, so today I went to a webinar about Involuntary Withdrawal policies...bringing them to campuses and how schools can make sure they use them properly and avoid potential lawsuits and such. Well over the course of listening to that webinar and talking through a few things, I came back to my office and began seriously thinking about getting a law degree to supplement the degree I will have come may, the degree I'll be able to start in 3 years and my work in general. It's like...if I know the legal ramifications of the work, plus have the abilites to be a liscenced psychologist I could seriously be a force to be reckoned with and be able to offer my students, clients, or whatever the best possible assistance b/c I'd have all my bases covered essentially...but as I'm looking around at program offerrings...I was actually looking for a JD/PhD program that allowed me to decide what the PhD would be in and I could go there...perfect...it'd be 6 years rather than 8 to get both degrees...but the only place that has that is Columbia, and I don't like their psych program...boo...but Carolina has a law school and they have the PhD program I want to take...so technically I could start that program and get some work done at the same time and then finish that program in time to start my PhD progran....as I'm thinking of all of this, and I actually found and did the first 5 questions of an LSAT practice test (I got them all right btw)...I'm now realizing that I have a serious problem. Is there anything wrong with wanting to get education? Absolutely not...but do I feel like there has to be some strange reason why I'm actually a bit exhausted when it comes to school, but I can't bring myself to be okay with the whole I'll have to have a job in a little under a year. Ugh...I will work on this...'cause seriously...I fear it is a bit of a problem.  : (

I can't focus when....

...I don't have things printed out in front of me. I'm working on creating learning outcomes for my internship. And on top of the fact that I don't exactly know how to create them (though I've had to do them a few times) I can't focus on anything because all the information I have is on the computer screen...and honestly the computer isn't where I create...or at least not where I start the creation process...so I keep looking at the screen and not having anything to add. It's no bueno...that I continue to get text messages from Tyrone, Kolya, Emelia...and for a time Tiffanie...I can't not speak with them...so it is what it is.

Another interesting thing I've learned about myself...wait..I set that up poorly...that's not what I meant to put, but it shall stay. Um...I got super excited today about 2 policies that I'll be able to research and potentially craft, or help craft. It's pretty cool, that I'm excited about that...but at the same time...it's like...I still enjoy that student piece...it's like right now, I'm not talking to my officemate Tristan...not because I don't like her...but just 'cause I don't feel the need to. But if I had students, I would feel the need for conversation. It's weird. I'm weird.

Sent an email to the boss....well ex-boss lady today about changes. I haven't heard back from her yet....so I don't know what that means...but I sent it and I suppose that's all that matters. I was pretty irate about wacktastic changes they continue to make like they don't affect others...namely the students they are there to assist. Ugh...they make me angry, b/c I don't feel like they're what student affairs should be and I want them to get on it. They're ridiculous. So...update...as I'm typing...got my response from ex-boss...and I failed...I spoke up...but alas I have failed...and my kids will no longer be mine. This is so WACK!

Ok...gonna attempt to do real work...ish...we'll see...I'll be leaving in an hour...to brave the traffice back to Arlington...it's gonna be a long trip

I started this once before

So I began this blog a while back...meaning earlier today, but something weird happened on the computer I was working on, and the computer froze and so there went the entry...I think that's probably a good thing, 'cause it was going downhill that entry was...right now...I still have some of those same sentiments/ideas or whatever...ok...so where I got interrupted before I was saying it's exciting that Kendra and Brittany are graduated and on the bigger and better things...aka becoming adults and getting jobs and such...and technically I should be great on that too...well...I haven't graduated yet...but that's just around the corner...but honestly Ebonii isn't ecstatic about the working part...I feel like I'm...I don't know...I have a lot of things I want to do...granted I don't have money to do them....but I really have things I want to do...I want to travel. And I want to dance. And I want to travel some more. And I want to write a book. And I want to just do things that I've never done before, and see people and places I've never seen before...and on top of all of that...I have no clue where I want to work and live. I had a clue...but things keep changing...Brittany's lookin' for a solo spot, which makes sense since I won't be here for another year....and besides I don't feel like it'd work out b/c of the seriousness of the T-B show...so ok...that's fine...but then I don't have space at my casa...and I don't particularly want to go back to the house anyway...and on top of that looking online right now at the Student Affairs jobs...wait...amend that...at jobs that I actually want to do....they're not here...and I know now is not a year from now...but I can't help but feel like I need to be prepared in the event that now looks like a year from now will look. Anyway...I have tasks I want to complete...and this whole "real life/real world" things is comin' all too fast. I kinda want to take a sabbatical.

So much of nothing is going on and it's all going so fast and all I want it to do is stop...

...Internally I'm experiencing a mild panic attack. What has brought this on...I don't know...I think it's been simmering for a while. I think I've gotten to this point where so many things are just going well...and going so right...and a small part of me says that something is so wrong...and any minute now I'm going to be side swiped by the inevitable not so well that is approaching...I don't know why I can't just be happy and content with what is...right now...but something isn't sitting well with me and I don't like that feeling. I should be like super happy and just like...hardcore about life...I fell pretty and settled and good for the first time in a while...I'm doing well in my academic life/professional life...I feel good and pretty with physical me, and that's good...that's great actually that I'm waking up daily and being pleased with the person that looks back at me in the mirror. That's awesome...so why then is there this something else that's plaguing me right now...or at least it's trying to...I'm trying to resist. It's weird too b/c I haven't journaled in like 3 weeks...it's weird...b/c there's so much going on in my head...but I just haven't felt the need to put things down on paper...oh...I think right now seeing Brittany and Kendra being done with school and being very much about getting to work and being all adulty

I'm so gonna punch...

...that guy in his face. He is seriously getting on my nerves. Who knew one individual could cause so much drama and I've never met him before. Ugh. I don't know wha his problem is, but seriously I want for him not to have my email address, and not to have my phone number and not to be calling me from more than one number. He's supposed to be a real professional...what is his problem?!?

k...done with that...

I hope I'm not that person...

....who brings you down....like so far down, just by being them. Like I hope that when I'm in a sour mood, I don't just bring a giant gray cloud everywhere I go...making others feel just as disgusting as I feel. Cause right now...no, not right now...any time I'm dealing with CM or ED when they're upset or something...I just feel...I don't want to be around them. It physically makes me feel bad, and I just really want to get away...after attempting to cheer up a few times and I fail with them...I just throw in the towel and really want to slap them and be like, get over yourselves!

So going with that whole, the people around you reflect you...does that mean...that when I deal with CM/ED I'm really dealing with me, and that's how I make others feel?!? I pray not. Cause honestly....I can see why I can count my friends (real friends) on 1 hand. In my head I say it's selectivity...but if I behave much like CM/ED then it's not really that...it's more like I'm too much of an irritant to be around so others distance themselves.

I think all this alone time is starting to get to me. That on top of I'm tired of not having, or not feeling like I have a person to talk to here. A real live person that is. I have so much going on in my world. So many words whirlling around. So many questions. So many thoughts...and they're just dying to come out...and they can't b/c no one will listen long enough to get them there. And then when I finally get someone's attention...I don't let it all out 'cause I don't want it to seem as though all I really want to do is hear myself talk. That's not the case...I really just need to get it all out...but no one will let me. AHH

Ok...I'm gonna be done with this right now.

In exactly 6 days from today I'm going to dinner with myself and to a movie with myself to see the new JLo flick, "The Back-up Plan". I'm so freaking excited. I'm totally jumping for joy and screaming all at once (not really, but I want to).

Then, 6 days after that, classes are officially over.

Theb, 5 days after that I have the 1 "final" that I have...in class

Then, 2 days after than my last assignment is due.

Then, 2 days after that I see my BDB and good friend Dawn graduate

Then, 2 days after that I get in my car for I'll be heading home.

Then, 2 days, on May 11th, I'll be HOME!

So, in summary...that's 12 days 'til no school, 19 days 'til no class work, and 23 days 'til I'm heading home, and 25 days 'til I'm actually there. I can't wait.

Ok, I'm sleepy...goona go...and worry about my 12 days.....

I wish I could fix everything...

...but I can't....and it kills me.

...

I'm different. I'm not sure if this is a bad different...or a good different...or just different...but that that I do know is that I am, or at least I feel different. I'm sitting in class and granted being in class I"m never over the moon happy, but right now I definitely, totally not doing ok. I know a part of that was lingering from yesterday. I just got back into town. Gainesville was super sucky...como siempre. But it really, really just makes me want to scream and holler

I feel like...

...tears will be shed in the very near future. I'm at that breaking point I feel. I'm so much in the position of not caring anymore and not wanting to be in this place at this time...and just not wanting to deal with any of this. I keep trying to tell myself that after this semester I don't have to work with these people anymore, but that's not helping at all...b/c all I can think about is the fact that I will have to be here and deal with this s*** for almost 5 more weeks. You go from not talking to me at all to talking to me like I'm an idiot and I'm stupid and you find great joy in pointing out all of the things I may or may not (b/c you never seem to know) be doing wrong. I just want to yell at you and do all of these things and say a ton of things that I cannot...and I hate feeling so powerless.

I feel like I'm drowning...

...and my life preserver has a hole in it...and I've lost my glasses...and it's in the dead of night...and I have no clue where I am.

So definitely, I need a break...

...from this place. I'm getting to that point where I kinda don't care about a lot, mostly cause I just really don't want to be here like AT ALL. My days are ridiculously busy and there's no stopping it...every time I think I get a free moment, I realize that it's not free...and even in my sleep, when life should be calm and rejuvinatory...I don't get that...my mind is constantly racing. It never stops..really, my sleep time is me just going through the motions so that my life feels like it's doing with it should be doing. I have like 5 voicemails that I've saved...that I intend to return...but it's been like 2 weeks since I got the first one...I look like a giant flake...a ghost...and that's not the goal at all...it's just...I have a lot to do. I have meetings to plan. Retreats to concoct. Papers to write. Research to do. Exams to study for. Interviews to hold....I have the fullest schedule and not really enough person-power or hours in a day to complete everything. Right now is perfect...am I blogging, yes...but technically right now I should be working on planning the meeting I'll be doing tomorrow night. Additionally...I have rooms to reserve.. and...I should be preparing for an exam I have Thursday morning as well as a meeting I have later this afternoon. Real talk...I should be woman-ing up for this meeting I have with my practicum supervisor today. I should be mentally preparing for a conversation that lets my supervisor know how unhappy I am. How unfulfilled I am. How un-challenged I feel. How unmotivated I feel. How purposeless my days seem when I'm here. I wish I could tell her that I don't and have never felt welcomed, nor that my presence was necessary. I want to tell her that I thought things were going to change, and so I was optimistic, but as of yet they haven't. I want to tell her that the highlight of last week, even though my car freaked out, was that I didn't have to come here. I didn't have to make the journey to come to this place and it was great. It was AH-MAZING actually. Though that did mean I had to figure out what to do with my life and I did spend an insane amount of additional hours in the office, all of it was much more enjoyable than making the horrendous journey out here to do nothing, to fade into oblivion and to matter not.

But alas, I don't know how to say any of that constructively and still in a manner that's respectful and conveys exactly how I feel, which isn't good. Ugh....assertiveness training...this is what I need. "How to not be fearful in voicing your opinions and feelings. In short, how to tell others what your needs are and that they aren't meeting them." Tears...I think need to come...but they're stuck wherever they are in my tear ducts...and besides that, there are just not real opportune times to cry.

In GREAT news....I was honored with the Dr. Tracy Ford Advisor Award for being a great advisor. It was quite a surprise and I was deeply appreciative and excited that I'm actually making a difference. I feel like I give as much as I can to my students, and I'm glad that they actually embrace it. Additional great times, ballroom yesterday. It was wonderful as usual. We did a little bit of Tango and then we hopped to Samba. Fun stuff. I wish we'd have gone back to Salsa...but we're still in the Latin genre, so honestly I'm not complaining.

I feel like I should be out of complaints...

...but I'm not...I don't know if complaints is necessarily the word...but definitely I am full of negative feelings towards my fictitious work at Gainesville. I am a student worker. I spent all Monday making copies and and creating labels to send out mailings....BUSY WORK...and I definiltey just read a really long email from the lady i'm supposed to be working with...and she's talking about all the things she's doing...and the Ebonii...what's she doing?!? Ordering freakin' certificates! So wack.....I'm at my wits end...and I really need to say something to someone 'cause I am not going to make it if things continue this way. I'm totally gonna stop coming here...'cause I don't need to be wasting countless dollars on gas, when they don't have me doing anything...or what they do have me doing is stuff that could be done by a friggin' student worker.

In other news...I'm ....actually I got nothing. I'm really tired....like really tired. All I wanna do most days is sleep. And the little sleep I am getting is not very restful b/c I can't manage to turn my brain off for long enough to get calm. Yesterday...actually two days ago...the new Director of the department told me that I stress him out...and I was just being regular old me....he was like...are you ok...and I'm thinking to myself...yeah...I'm good. He was like you see on edge...and the worst part is, I can't completely disagree with that statement...b/c to a degree I am on edge...I have ideas...big ideas and grand plans and I'm not sure how to bring them to fruition....and how to pause things right now and be able to do that. It's quite depressing actually....not depressing...but disconcerting I don't have enough hours in the day in my life.

I get really sad when I'm unhappy...

...so totally doesn't make sense but it totally does. Today I just realized...or re-realized rather that I have to be in a work environment where I feel valued, comfortable to be exactly me, and where I feel a sense of purpose. Right now I'm sitting in this stupid club room which is my "office" while i'm at my practicum...and I just don't know why I'm here. I have absolutely no reason for being in this space. And...I think I'm a little emotionally jacked 'cause I feel that evil red visitor on her way...but other than that...I think my feelings are totally valid.

And it doesn't help that my classmate who works here regularly doesn't share these same sentiments at all. So I can't even share my misery with anyone...or find someone else who we can be each other's support system.

It's quittin' time. Let me not waste any more energy on this subject.

I'm moving full force into a giant brick wall...

So as weeks go, last week was a bit of.....a bit much. My boss announced that he would no longer be my boss mostly and wholy because he will no longer be with the university. I'm pretty sure I shed like 3 tears. I was really sad...additionally...some great people came to campus this weekend for the second interview weekend. I think I'd like them if they were here. No lie. Additionally...in my dance class my teacher, who wanted me to jump from Ballroom 2 to 3, told me there's no need to move because I am doing more difficult things than they are in their class...so I'm totally stoked...and definitely thinking that in a previous or future life I will do something dance related. It lights up my life...and it's magical...

um...now enter this week...I still haven't heard from Heather at TWU...and it's been like 3 weeks since she spoke with heVPSA....I was so excited and so hopeful. I've now gotten contact from Heather of UTA...and I know her...so it's nothing new. Um...I haven't heard from SCAD in ACUHO-I, but that was the world's worst interview, so Ididn't think I would. I have however, heard from Indiana and they are going a different direction....so...needless to say....I'm in a bit of a bind right now. Granted it's only February, and I still technically have time...I kinda don't have time, you know.

anyway...the weird thing is I have a lot going on in my mind, body, spirit...and I even feel some sense of urgency....but I can't say that I'm freaking out...yet. But in all honesty...this is the first time in a long time I have absolutely no plan...the acuho-i stuff was supposed to be my back-up plan. It was supposed to be there just in case things didn't pan out with a dean's office, but I was so sure that things at TWU would. I'm....I don't know...was I stupid? was I naive in thinking that this was going to work. I prayed that God show me what I need to do or what to say and when to act...but did I really just go full force on a plan I'd created and do completely opposite of what I said and know I shouldn't do? But seriously I thought the Indiana interview went well. I really clicked with the guy who did the interviewing and I was saying everything straight from the heart. I believed in everything I said. I think it was the first time in a long time I wasn't b.s.ing in an interview...I was actually quite comfortable and ready to roll. Or maybe that was the problem. I was too comfortable. I was lacking in professionalism going with the way the interviewer took our time on the phone.

So there's a giant knot in the pit of my stomach. It's twisting and getting worse as the day is progressing...mostly because right now it's 3 o'clock..and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get to a 5:30 meeting when I don't get off work 'til 5, and it takes approximately an hour to get back to Athens...and that's NOT where my car is located...on top of that I have an endless number of demands and no outlet...really...and even me talking about it doesn't erase the things from my list...and is it horrible that when I talk I am afraid nobody listens...this is the problem...I seem so emotion-less that when I do appear to emote people don't take me seriously. They think I'm being hyperdramatic...and exaggerating everything for if anything...comedic effect...but real talk...I'm being so serious. I feel like I could totally cry right here, right now in my office...and I almost think I need to...I need to do something to dump...to get rid of all the extra baggage that isn't the abundance of work I already have.

I think I'm gonna go watch The Wedding Planner and pretend like there are no problems...at least for tonight....probably not the best practice, but it is what it is. So it's done...

Coke Zero is the nastiest drink on the planet...

...and I just drank it 'cause I'm THAT tired...and I totally feel like I could just pass out at any moment. Sucky thing is, I'm in friggin' Gainesville at Practicum. Just got out of the world's most boring meeting and I'm about to go to the world's second most boring meeting like like 15 minutes. Sad day, I know. Don't you wish you could be privy to the world's most boring meetings too?!? Clearly I'm privileged...only NOT SO MUCH! Ok...gonna go do work...or rather, go pretend to do work, right...til 5...which is in like 30 minutes...so I'm legit for a little bit.

Do or do not; there is no try.

So I definitely totally had a rather lengthy 1:1 with Michael today. We did business stuff first and then he inquired about my internship search, and somewhere in there we managed to get on how networking and talking to people in general is a huge downfall of mine.

You know what he said?!? Something that I myself have thought...If I continue the way that I am, then I will end up old and alone, and who wants that? who needs that? who can handle that? Clearly I have plans...I have hopes for a future...and I hate that so much is hinging upon me being able to hold conversations with people. People I don't know...and large groups of them. Uh....this seriously stresses me out. It stresses my life out...and everyone I talk to says basically that it's all my fault things are the way they are and if I want to change it, it's as easy as just doing something to fix it. I have to go out there and mingle and be ok with what may happen. This is definitely one of those areas where I want to succeed. I don't like failing...and I feel like this is one of those areas I can work and partially control...control more so than like relationships and all that jazz. They're work relationships/friendships...those are a lot less hurtful that I think romantic relationships...so quite honestly I want to put my best me forward, and be able to go toe to toe with the best of them, and I don't feel like that's who I am....

hold on...I don't even know what I am saying...I'm freaking scared that I honestly have nothing to talk about and nothing worth listening to...so if I were to say something no one would take notice or pay attention...and that's definitely damaging to the soul. Ahh....I hate being such a coward.

Some truth hit me this morning...

and what I found out is, or realized rather, is that I can't fake happiness. Not true, legit happiness anyway. I mean I can definitely put a smile on and talk a mean game and fill my days with tons and tons of space and time fillers...but in essence in the quiet times of life...when I'm forced to be silent for whatever reason, I will come face to face with the immutable truth of the unhappiness that is the reality that I live in. With all that being said, I'm totally not like depressed or on the verge of anything super bad, but I'm generally content with where I am, what I'm doing, how I'm living and all that jazz....and I want to be HAPPY about it all...not just ok. I think I started recognizing that when in all of a week, I've started to put on a bit of weight...now mind you a bit is like 2-4 pounds, and really does that hurt my life, no, but it does speak volumes about how I'm living. How is it that when I'm at home and happy I lose weight and then settle into my baseline which is 125....then when I'm in an undesirable situation (e.g. Athens, GA) I gain....if the weight thing isn't convincing enough...I also find that I have horrible sleeping patterns...either I'm a total insomniac and I can't will myself to sleep, or I find that all I want to do is sleep, and no amount of sleep leaves me feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. Not only that, but I get into these terrible funks where all I want is to talk to somebody...and it's not even that good, healthy talking (like real dialogue)...it's more monologue-y... where I've been without human contact for so long that all I really wanna do is get out all of my thoughts and endless discourses that have been floating about in my head...I'm not totally concerned with hearing what anyone else has to say, nor is it beneficial (for me) that they participate in the conversation...I just want the words out of my head.

Anyway...I'm sittin' on the couch watching...or listening rather, to 17 again and I'm supposed to be creating a to-do list for today and just in general for a while...but I haven't. I have responded to and sent a number of emails, and that was important, but I haven't gotten to the meat of anything...like so for real, tomorrow I have a program for my students that I haven't even begun to think about what it will/should look like. Additionally, I have to submit a research topic by tomorrow morning...which really means today...before 5. I have to vote on some regional awards by 5, and submit an email saying why I'm not voting on one particular category. I have to get stuff in line to ask my boss tomorrow. I have to finish a self-evaluation. I have....ok, not gonna write this list, but let's just say and know that I have A LOT to do. I feel like I know that it's super bad that all I'm doing is counting down until I can get out and get a break from this place. I don't like being here...and I don't want to stay here. I hate it. And I think what's making it worse is that....wait...ultimately I think the real reason I'm disliking it so much is b/c I don't have anyone here who can serve as a witness to my life. There's no one here who knows what I'm doing on a daily basis...there's no one who I don't have to update over weeks or months of my life before we can move into present tense. Like the people that I'm around aren't necessarily concerned about me...they're really about them and theirs...or they don't have the same types of needs. Quite honestly I think I'm a very needy friend. I want to be in the know of all that is going on with you, and likewise I want you to know all that is going on with me. It makes me a bit sad that I have such ridiculous expectations. I want people to care more than they do...and I fear that my expectations are unreasonable...ugh...ok...I don't wanna do this right now...I really do have to get my life in order...

those impressions I mentioned earlier.

So today was to be the first day of classes and my first day at my practicum site. One of those two things occurred....which happens to be the latter. So, I rode to practicum with Katie today...actually I drove. All was pretty alright. It was a good ride. I, being awkward with small talk, managed to do pretty well the hour ride there and back home. At GSC however, it was just not right. I don't get wonderful or even good vibes from my boss. She makes me feel very much on edge, and borderline nervous at times when she's around. She behaves in a most ingenuine manner and things are just too contrived for my taste. She seemed very unprepared for my arrival...and we honestly didn't get anywhere. Except that she printed me a calendar with dates or what have you that we'll be meeting and when there'll be staff meetings and other meetings I may want to attend. Staff meeting was this afternoon...A-W-K-W-A-R-D! So serious...I was completely weirded out by the entire process. And from our conversation in the car, I'm sure Katie feels the same way...just like it's abnormal and pretty pointless/purposeless....It's funny...on the way there she said that the boss, Cara, is the most intentionally busy person ever...and her phraseology and word usage was perfect. She is intentionally busy...but not intentional about the activities and not purposeful in the things she does or she has others do. Honestly we don't need to have a staff meeting every week...I think every other week would suffice just fine...but then again...I'm not running the office....

OMGoodness...random I totally see my Restorative comin' out...unfortunately it comes out in my highlighting things that are wrong....and essentially that looks like me being overly negative...si....yes! Dangit! Clearly that's not my intention....that's just how it works out...I'm constantly seeing flaws in things...and that's my #1.....so what does Ebonii need to do?!? Balance...or just re-work how things are coming out. I need to positively point out obvious (to me) flaws/negatives.....that is the key to better interactions with others....and probably overall just a better me.

Restorative:

"...you enjoy bringing things back to life. It is a wonderful feeling to identify the undermining factor(s), eradicate them, and restore something to its true glory. Intuitively, you know that without your intervention, this thing-this machine, this technique, this person, this company-might have ceased to function. You fixed it, resuscitated it, rekindled its vitality. Phrasing it the way you might, you saved it..."

"In all of your relationships, do not be afraid to let others know that you enjoy fixing problems. It comes naturally to you, but many people shy away from problems. You can help....Allow other people to solve their own problems. You might want to rush in and solve things for them, but in so doing you might hinder their learning."  - I wonder if this means, I might create problems too...just to have something to fix?!? Could clear up a lot from previous relationships....or just my "story making" disposition in general.

Anyway, back to work...um....yeah....so today for me was a bit of a bust. Except for the fact that we got to leave early on account of the snow flurries that were a-flurryin'....I found out that my wonderful 9-4 hours on Fridays were no more...cause they close at 3....so I'll be working 8-3, which means I'm up at the crack of dawn because it takes an hour to get there, so I'll need to leave at least by 7...which really means 6:45...which means I'm up at like 5....what in the world?!? That is not fun. I don't wanna get up at nobody's 5 in the morning. Those were old days when I used to do that...like way back in high school. I haven't had to wake up that early in so long. I don't know if I'm gonna be ready for it. AHH. Anyway...that's all for now...I'm supposed to have outcomes for work for tomorrow morning for my 1-on-1...so I should probably go work on something to say there that sounds remotely legit.

First impressions matter.

Remind me to blog about my first day of work/school. So much in so little time.

My name is Mary Fiore

So I'm totally sitting on my couch in my living room watching Four Christmases. I've been in Athens for 24 hours now. Twenty four full hours, and it doesn't get any better. Unfortunately. I went grocery shopping and back to school shopping...and I attempted to go work clothes shopping (but that didn't go over too well). Back at home, I cleaned and put groceries and such away and rearranged my clothes in their suitcases and cleaned my closet and cleaned up the living room and now I'm sittin...watching a movie....a love story...good exciting thing, I feel totally like Mary at the beginning of The Wedding Planner. She gets home sits and eats and watches tv and then she cleans before getting ready for bed. That's so me right now. Woo...but then I was like, un-woo b/c I'm sitting. On my couch. Alone. and definitely so was Mary when she was there. Only she pretended that life was grand for her....and she filled her days with lots of stuff and was totally a control freak in order to maintain the "everything is so legit and peachy" kind of aura....oh my no....doesn't that sound so familiar?!? Yeah 'cause it's me!

This is not looking good already. I know when I'm sad I get fat and oddly enough when I'm happy I lose some and then I get a little fat after that....yeah, so when I moved to Athens I gained like 3-5 pounds...and when I went home for break I totally lost 4-5 pounds....hmm...

Alright...if I'm Mary...I'll be Mary...I'll take that....if she is me...If I am her....where's my friggin' Steve?!? Of at least my Massimo?!? Oh, boo.

All I heard was a scream...

So this morning I was awoken by a very piercing scream from my little sister. Since we were the last to fall asleep watching a movie last night, she slept with me in my room. I'm not quite sure what happened, but she screamed. I woke up. I shook her 'cause I thought she was still asleep and having a bad dream. But through the fog, that is not having my glasses on, I could see dark, blood-like stuff from her mouth. Sure enough I reached for my glasses and she ran to the bathroom, and I followed to find her mouth full of blood. A previously broken tooth was again broken, her lip was gushing and apparently a baby tooth decided to remove itself from her mouth as well. I ran back to my room to find the broken portion of the tooth and found my windowsill split in two...and interestingly enough there were two teeth marks on the sill, almost as if Elexis bit it. It was so freakin' weird. So we clean all the blood and Elexis and lay her in the game room on the futon....somewhere in there me and mama look at Lex's lip and see that the cut isn't just on the inside, it's all the way through. OMG...so now we're all preparing to go to the emergency room. Bah! Me, mama, Aaron, Granny and Lex trek to Arlington Memorial Hospital. As we pull up we're reminiscing about days both Aaron and I spent there...with anything but fondness. Much our surprise, there are only like 2 other patients there. Unfortunately, AMH lives up to the ER stereotype and our wait is atrocious. Elexis goes back for vitals and in the time she's there 4 other patients enter and are seen. As one might imagine my tolerance and patience level were goin' south. Eventually (after 2 hours there) Lex is finally taken to a room where her vitals are once again taken, she's given a local anesthetic to numb her lip and a painkiller, and she is told that a doctor would be there soon. "Young, cute Dr. Martin" comes in and Elexis makes him pinky swear the procedure won't hurt. He does and says he'll be back. False. It's 9A. Enter Ebonii at 10A and there is still no sign of a doctor. Really friends?!? I'm sure it takes like 15-20 min to do a few sutures. 7 nurses and apparently 1 doctor for the whole ER....and the nurses are apparently only good for fetching robes and taking vitals (which are all digital so the take no real skill). UGH. Watchin' tv and snooping in the room....trying to figure out why there's a baby Shasta soda can in the cabinet with the bottles of Saline...trying to understand by the room is dirty and why the trash smells like super soiled sanitary napkin. It's now 12N. Nurse comes in again for vitals and says the doctor is on his way. LIES! Again! Come 1 o'clock a Dr. Adrien Cheong (nice guy) and his P.A. Laura enter the scene.  They are definitely not "Young, cute Dr. Martin", but they're credentialled so it's all gravy. I guess. They remove the gauze and bandaid from "Young, cute Dr. Martin" and take a look and magically Dr. Cheong gets paged over the intercom. He departs. Totally coming back soon. 1:45P....no one is there yet again. I stand in the hall uber irritated with everything. Man Nurse Blaine walks by and says "Is there still no doctor here?!" We're like, yeah no....He says he's gonna go find him. Exit Man Nurse Blaine. 2:15P...Dr. Cheong and P.A. Laura come back.  stitches and 15min later, Elexis is done. Dr. Cheong and P.A. Laura leave. I exit to relay the news to Granny and Aaron in the waiting room. Elexis is finally discharged at 2:45P. She has a dentist's appointmen at 3:45P. Fail Arlington Memorial. Fail. I'm now at home and mama and Lex are at the dentist's....I'm more tired than I can verbalize (and that's rare)...and I have a meeting with a mentee 13 minutes ago. Oh my no.

Always with you - January 2, 2010

ALWAYS
WITH YOU

Read:
Psalm 25:4-10

The highway that winds around the southern shore of Lake Michigan can be tracherous in the winter. One weekend as we were driving back to Grand Rapids from Chicago, a buildup of snow and ice slowed traffic, caused numerous accidents, and almost doubled our drive time. We were relieved as we eased off the expressway onoour final road. It was then that my husband said out loud, Thanks Lord, I think I can take it from here."
   Just as he finished saying the words, our car spun around 180 degrees. As we came to a stop, hearts pounding, we could just imagine God saying: "Are you sure?"
   Why do we sometimes try to go it alone in life when at every moment we have access to God? He said: "I am with you and will keep you wherever you go" (Gen. 28:15). And He assures us: "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Heb. 13:5).
   Scottish mathematician, theologian, and preacher Thomas Chalmers (1780-1847) wrote: "When I walk by the wayside, He is along with me. When I enter into company, amid all my forgetfulness of Him, He never forgets me....Go where I will, He tends me, and watches me, and cares for me."
   What a comfort to know that God is always with us - we don't need to go through life alone!
                                                                                                                               - Cindy Hess Kasper

This was the reading from my Daily Bread today. It is funny and interesting and much needed all at the same time. I definitely just wrote an entry for my other blog and I was whining about how I saw all these other people on facebook who are totally engaged or hooked up. And it's interesting how in general as I've continued through life (romantic and just regular life) I keep trying to do everything on my own. That's one of my biggest vices. I don't let people in, and additionally I don't allow God to be the captain of my ship. As I've gotten older and matured I've definitely recognized how much better life is when I'm not attempting to live by my own rules....like I tried to explain to Aaron that it's amazing how when you stop trying to do it all, and truly allow God to lead the way, doors just begin opening up. Of course as a God-follower, you will still run up against trials, but with Him you will have the strength to make it through, and with Him you will travel down the path that has been set for you. I've said it before (not here of course) but I've always found it much easier to trust God to guide me towards my non-love life destination...I fought at first with the whole med school thing, but there's never been a doubt in my mind about not having a work path, or having somewhere to work....but I've always been frightened and hesitant to trust Him about me and love. And even though in deed I'm not trying to 'blaze my own trail' and do things my way....in thought I'm freakin' 'Doubting Didymous' and on top of that post the MW show, I feel like I've grown a lot and that I'm so ready for my Mr. Forever. And even though I'm not saying a word, I'm thinking plenty....and that's me stuck in my own way....that's me saying "I can take it from here"..... today's message was so important. I know trials will come....but I don't want the ones I do encounter be results of my 180 degree turn from saying "I got this". Ahh...so easy and yet so completely difficult. I dunno.

Lord God Father....guide me, and lead me in the way that I should go. Harden not my heart so that I will do nothing short of Your will. In your precious son's name  Jesus I pray.

Amen.

It's the first day (technically the 2nd) of a brand new year. Does it feel any different?!? Of course it doesn't...but just the newness of being able to write 01.02.10 makes all the difference. How have I spent the beginnings of my new year?!? Yeah well...attempting to sleep. Lol. New Year's Eve was fun (per usual). We were up all night playing games, karaoke-ing, eating tons of junk food and just having conversation. Good times. Unfortunately, we did have a party pooper and she made it so none of us were able to fall asleep. Eventually I took a bit of a nap. About an hour today...but again, it's a new day and I'm still awake and still pooped. This could potentially destroy any pretend plans I could've/would've maybe created for tomorrow. I still wanna have lunch/dinner with my daddy, and Jacob said he wanted to hang. And Saren and Natalie both want to hang out. Um... still supposed to have the Fawlty Towers marathon and not to mention I want to go skating and I need mama to do my hair. Ahh so much to do and only 3-ish days to do it. I'm sad. And I'm sick and tired of reading so many people's twitters that say they miss Athens and that they miss being back...better yet...I'm so weirded out by the people that are already back. VOLUNTARILY! So freakin' wack. Utterly confused. Ten days prior to the start of classes (which would've been December 28th) I should've had my financial aid funds in my bank account. DEFINITELY THEY'RE NOT THERE AND I'M BROKE! Ahh...oh no! Lol. I'm not really panicking. I think I was in this position (actually worse) just last semester. I was hoping it wouldn't occur this way because since everything is set-up all should be well. Right?!? Wrong! Wanna know why? 'Cause the financial aid bureau/bursar's office at the University of Georgia sucks so much! So hopefully, when staff and such return to campus on the 5th things will get themselves in order. Si no....ah fooey. I don't paticularly wanna go through that again...but things are what they have to be...so I'll tough it out. I got bills due on the 7th. Well...at least one. I can only imagine what my mailbox looks like at the Apartment. Full of junk mail no doubt...plus probably all three of my bills....cable/power/water. Ahh!

Ok...new thing to ponder as I drift away into slumber....Ebonii T. Nelson....are you living or just existing?!? Be wise in how you spend your blessed days.