and what I found out is, or realized rather, is that I can't fake happiness. Not true, legit happiness anyway. I mean I can definitely put a smile on and talk a mean game and fill my days with tons and tons of space and time fillers...but in essence in the quiet times of life...when I'm forced to be silent for whatever reason, I will come face to face with the immutable truth of the unhappiness that is the reality that I live in. With all that being said, I'm totally not like depressed or on the verge of anything super bad, but I'm generally content with where I am, what I'm doing, how I'm living and all that jazz....and I want to be HAPPY about it all...not just ok. I think I started recognizing that when in all of a week, I've started to put on a bit of weight...now mind you a bit is like 2-4 pounds, and really does that hurt my life, no, but it does speak volumes about how I'm living. How is it that when I'm at home and happy I lose weight and then settle into my baseline which is 125....then when I'm in an undesirable situation (e.g. Athens, GA) I gain....if the weight thing isn't convincing enough...I also find that I have horrible sleeping patterns...either I'm a total insomniac and I can't will myself to sleep, or I find that all I want to do is sleep, and no amount of sleep leaves me feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. Not only that, but I get into these terrible funks where all I want is to talk to somebody...and it's not even that good, healthy talking (like real dialogue)...it's more monologue-y... where I've been without human contact for so long that all I really wanna do is get out all of my thoughts and endless discourses that have been floating about in my head...I'm not totally concerned with hearing what anyone else has to say, nor is it beneficial (for me) that they participate in the conversation...I just want the words out of my head.
Anyway...I'm sittin' on the couch watching...or listening rather, to 17 again and I'm supposed to be creating a to-do list for today and just in general for a while...but I haven't. I have responded to and sent a number of emails, and that was important, but I haven't gotten to the meat of anything...like so for real, tomorrow I have a program for my students that I haven't even begun to think about what it will/should look like. Additionally, I have to submit a research topic by tomorrow morning...which really means today...before 5. I have to vote on some regional awards by 5, and submit an email saying why I'm not voting on one particular category. I have to get stuff in line to ask my boss tomorrow. I have to finish a self-evaluation. I have....ok, not gonna write this list, but let's just say and know that I have A LOT to do. I feel like I know that it's super bad that all I'm doing is counting down until I can get out and get a break from this place. I don't like being here...and I don't want to stay here. I hate it. And I think what's making it worse is that....wait...ultimately I think the real reason I'm disliking it so much is b/c I don't have anyone here who can serve as a witness to my life. There's no one here who knows what I'm doing on a daily basis...there's no one who I don't have to update over weeks or months of my life before we can move into present tense. Like the people that I'm around aren't necessarily concerned about me...they're really about them and theirs...or they don't have the same types of needs. Quite honestly I think I'm a very needy friend. I want to be in the know of all that is going on with you, and likewise I want you to know all that is going on with me. It makes me a bit sad that I have such ridiculous expectations. I want people to care more than they do...and I fear that my expectations are unreasonable...ugh...ok...I don't wanna do this right now...I really do have to get my life in order...
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