...but I'm not...I don't know if complaints is necessarily the word...but definitely I am full of negative feelings towards my fictitious work at Gainesville. I am a student worker. I spent all Monday making copies and and creating labels to send out mailings....BUSY WORK...and I definiltey just read a really long email from the lady i'm supposed to be working with...and she's talking about all the things she's doing...and the Ebonii...what's she doing?!? Ordering freakin' certificates! So wack.....I'm at my wits end...and I really need to say something to someone 'cause I am not going to make it if things continue this way. I'm totally gonna stop coming here...'cause I don't need to be wasting countless dollars on gas, when they don't have me doing anything...or what they do have me doing is stuff that could be done by a friggin' student worker.
In other news...I'm ....actually I got nothing. I'm really tired....like really tired. All I wanna do most days is sleep. And the little sleep I am getting is not very restful b/c I can't manage to turn my brain off for long enough to get calm. Yesterday...actually two days ago...the new Director of the department told me that I stress him out...and I was just being regular old me....he was like...are you ok...and I'm thinking to myself...yeah...I'm good. He was like you see on edge...and the worst part is, I can't completely disagree with that statement...b/c to a degree I am on edge...I have ideas...big ideas and grand plans and I'm not sure how to bring them to fruition....and how to pause things right now and be able to do that. It's quite depressing actually....not depressing...but disconcerting I don't have enough hours in the day in my life.
2.11.2010
I get really sad when I'm unhappy...
...so totally doesn't make sense but it totally does. Today I just realized...or re-realized rather that I have to be in a work environment where I feel valued, comfortable to be exactly me, and where I feel a sense of purpose. Right now I'm sitting in this stupid club room which is my "office" while i'm at my practicum...and I just don't know why I'm here. I have absolutely no reason for being in this space. And...I think I'm a little emotionally jacked 'cause I feel that evil red visitor on her way...but other than that...I think my feelings are totally valid.
And it doesn't help that my classmate who works here regularly doesn't share these same sentiments at all. So I can't even share my misery with anyone...or find someone else who we can be each other's support system.
It's quittin' time. Let me not waste any more energy on this subject.
And it doesn't help that my classmate who works here regularly doesn't share these same sentiments at all. So I can't even share my misery with anyone...or find someone else who we can be each other's support system.
It's quittin' time. Let me not waste any more energy on this subject.
2.08.2010
I'm moving full force into a giant brick wall...
So as weeks go, last week was a bit of.....a bit much. My boss announced that he would no longer be my boss mostly and wholy because he will no longer be with the university. I'm pretty sure I shed like 3 tears. I was really sad...additionally...some great people came to campus this weekend for the second interview weekend. I think I'd like them if they were here. No lie. Additionally...in my dance class my teacher, who wanted me to jump from Ballroom 2 to 3, told me there's no need to move because I am doing more difficult things than they are in their class...so I'm totally stoked...and definitely thinking that in a previous or future life I will do something dance related. It lights up my life...and it's magical...
um...now enter this week...I still haven't heard from Heather at TWU...and it's been like 3 weeks since she spoke with heVPSA....I was so excited and so hopeful. I've now gotten contact from Heather of UTA...and I know her...so it's nothing new. Um...I haven't heard from SCAD in ACUHO-I, but that was the world's worst interview, so Ididn't think I would. I have however, heard from Indiana and they are going a different direction....so...needless to say....I'm in a bit of a bind right now. Granted it's only February, and I still technically have time...I kinda don't have time, you know.
anyway...the weird thing is I have a lot going on in my mind, body, spirit...and I even feel some sense of urgency....but I can't say that I'm freaking out...yet. But in all honesty...this is the first time in a long time I have absolutely no plan...the acuho-i stuff was supposed to be my back-up plan. It was supposed to be there just in case things didn't pan out with a dean's office, but I was so sure that things at TWU would. I'm....I don't know...was I stupid? was I naive in thinking that this was going to work. I prayed that God show me what I need to do or what to say and when to act...but did I really just go full force on a plan I'd created and do completely opposite of what I said and know I shouldn't do? But seriously I thought the Indiana interview went well. I really clicked with the guy who did the interviewing and I was saying everything straight from the heart. I believed in everything I said. I think it was the first time in a long time I wasn't b.s.ing in an interview...I was actually quite comfortable and ready to roll. Or maybe that was the problem. I was too comfortable. I was lacking in professionalism going with the way the interviewer took our time on the phone.
So there's a giant knot in the pit of my stomach. It's twisting and getting worse as the day is progressing...mostly because right now it's 3 o'clock..and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get to a 5:30 meeting when I don't get off work 'til 5, and it takes approximately an hour to get back to Athens...and that's NOT where my car is located...on top of that I have an endless number of demands and no outlet...really...and even me talking about it doesn't erase the things from my list...and is it horrible that when I talk I am afraid nobody listens...this is the problem...I seem so emotion-less that when I do appear to emote people don't take me seriously. They think I'm being hyperdramatic...and exaggerating everything for if anything...comedic effect...but real talk...I'm being so serious. I feel like I could totally cry right here, right now in my office...and I almost think I need to...I need to do something to dump...to get rid of all the extra baggage that isn't the abundance of work I already have.
I think I'm gonna go watch The Wedding Planner and pretend like there are no problems...at least for tonight....probably not the best practice, but it is what it is. So it's done...
um...now enter this week...I still haven't heard from Heather at TWU...and it's been like 3 weeks since she spoke with heVPSA....I was so excited and so hopeful. I've now gotten contact from Heather of UTA...and I know her...so it's nothing new. Um...I haven't heard from SCAD in ACUHO-I, but that was the world's worst interview, so Ididn't think I would. I have however, heard from Indiana and they are going a different direction....so...needless to say....I'm in a bit of a bind right now. Granted it's only February, and I still technically have time...I kinda don't have time, you know.
anyway...the weird thing is I have a lot going on in my mind, body, spirit...and I even feel some sense of urgency....but I can't say that I'm freaking out...yet. But in all honesty...this is the first time in a long time I have absolutely no plan...the acuho-i stuff was supposed to be my back-up plan. It was supposed to be there just in case things didn't pan out with a dean's office, but I was so sure that things at TWU would. I'm....I don't know...was I stupid? was I naive in thinking that this was going to work. I prayed that God show me what I need to do or what to say and when to act...but did I really just go full force on a plan I'd created and do completely opposite of what I said and know I shouldn't do? But seriously I thought the Indiana interview went well. I really clicked with the guy who did the interviewing and I was saying everything straight from the heart. I believed in everything I said. I think it was the first time in a long time I wasn't b.s.ing in an interview...I was actually quite comfortable and ready to roll. Or maybe that was the problem. I was too comfortable. I was lacking in professionalism going with the way the interviewer took our time on the phone.
So there's a giant knot in the pit of my stomach. It's twisting and getting worse as the day is progressing...mostly because right now it's 3 o'clock..and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get to a 5:30 meeting when I don't get off work 'til 5, and it takes approximately an hour to get back to Athens...and that's NOT where my car is located...on top of that I have an endless number of demands and no outlet...really...and even me talking about it doesn't erase the things from my list...and is it horrible that when I talk I am afraid nobody listens...this is the problem...I seem so emotion-less that when I do appear to emote people don't take me seriously. They think I'm being hyperdramatic...and exaggerating everything for if anything...comedic effect...but real talk...I'm being so serious. I feel like I could totally cry right here, right now in my office...and I almost think I need to...I need to do something to dump...to get rid of all the extra baggage that isn't the abundance of work I already have.
I think I'm gonna go watch The Wedding Planner and pretend like there are no problems...at least for tonight....probably not the best practice, but it is what it is. So it's done...
2.04.2010
Coke Zero is the nastiest drink on the planet...
...and I just drank it 'cause I'm THAT tired...and I totally feel like I could just pass out at any moment. Sucky thing is, I'm in friggin' Gainesville at Practicum. Just got out of the world's most boring meeting and I'm about to go to the world's second most boring meeting like like 15 minutes. Sad day, I know. Don't you wish you could be privy to the world's most boring meetings too?!? Clearly I'm privileged...only NOT SO MUCH! Ok...gonna go do work...or rather, go pretend to do work, right...til 5...which is in like 30 minutes...so I'm legit for a little bit.
2.03.2010
Do or do not; there is no try.
So I definitely totally had a rather lengthy 1:1 with Michael today. We did business stuff first and then he inquired about my internship search, and somewhere in there we managed to get on how networking and talking to people in general is a huge downfall of mine.
You know what he said?!? Something that I myself have thought...If I continue the way that I am, then I will end up old and alone, and who wants that? who needs that? who can handle that? Clearly I have plans...I have hopes for a future...and I hate that so much is hinging upon me being able to hold conversations with people. People I don't know...and large groups of them. Uh....this seriously stresses me out. It stresses my life out...and everyone I talk to says basically that it's all my fault things are the way they are and if I want to change it, it's as easy as just doing something to fix it. I have to go out there and mingle and be ok with what may happen. This is definitely one of those areas where I want to succeed. I don't like failing...and I feel like this is one of those areas I can work and partially control...control more so than like relationships and all that jazz. They're work relationships/friendships...those are a lot less hurtful that I think romantic relationships...so quite honestly I want to put my best me forward, and be able to go toe to toe with the best of them, and I don't feel like that's who I am....
hold on...I don't even know what I am saying...I'm freaking scared that I honestly have nothing to talk about and nothing worth listening to...so if I were to say something no one would take notice or pay attention...and that's definitely damaging to the soul. Ahh....I hate being such a coward.
You know what he said?!? Something that I myself have thought...If I continue the way that I am, then I will end up old and alone, and who wants that? who needs that? who can handle that? Clearly I have plans...I have hopes for a future...and I hate that so much is hinging upon me being able to hold conversations with people. People I don't know...and large groups of them. Uh....this seriously stresses me out. It stresses my life out...and everyone I talk to says basically that it's all my fault things are the way they are and if I want to change it, it's as easy as just doing something to fix it. I have to go out there and mingle and be ok with what may happen. This is definitely one of those areas where I want to succeed. I don't like failing...and I feel like this is one of those areas I can work and partially control...control more so than like relationships and all that jazz. They're work relationships/friendships...those are a lot less hurtful that I think romantic relationships...so quite honestly I want to put my best me forward, and be able to go toe to toe with the best of them, and I don't feel like that's who I am....
hold on...I don't even know what I am saying...I'm freaking scared that I honestly have nothing to talk about and nothing worth listening to...so if I were to say something no one would take notice or pay attention...and that's definitely damaging to the soul. Ahh....I hate being such a coward.
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