I used to...

...plan my life around my work. I looked at my work schedule, and my class schedule, and my student's meeting schedules, and that's how I decided how much free time I had and when I could do other things for myself...I have found that now I am doing the opposite. I can't go to a student group's meeting b/c I have dance...or I'll go but leave early to get to my class. I am absent and quasi-absent-minded all b/c there are things that I want to do for and with myself that I have placed as more important than the work that I am supposed to be doing...

I am going to...

...direct message JLo on twitter with my video blog. I'm a little bit, like a lot a bit nervous about doing so, but I need to do it so I can make it happen. I might even direct message the other bloggers to see if they'd help me out.

Let's hope for the best. 

My brain is running....

....5000 miles a minute and I can't seem to shut it off. Yesterday as I drove away from the VMA get together I couldn't help but have a conversation with myself about my internal state of affairs, namely that it is almost the end of September (exciting, no?) and I haven't had a decent night's sleep yet...and in addition to that I'm pretty sure I haven't really just got back into the groove of being in school and working and focusing on the former and the latter. My brain is somewhere else...and that'd be okay if I knew exactly where that elsewhere was...but I myself can't even find it. I continue to get lost in the various non-academic texts I read. I have 'The Back-up Plan,' '27 Dresses,' and 'Double Wedding' on heavy rotation. I despise just staying in and sitting, but I also don't want to go out...too much, but yet not so much...I don't know. This is clearly the lack of sleep talking.

I think I'm gonna stop trying...

...I mean I'm sure the world knows that I am not huge on communication. One might hear from me once a month, or in some cases once every six months...depends on how school is going and my sleep cycle. But I'm actually in the same space as you. I'm here, and I actually attempt to contact you. Do I call? No, b/c I don't call. But I text and I'm available...and I get nothing. Am I mad about it? No, mad isn't really the word, I'm just a little disappointed. I knew I was number 2, and that's to be expected. I totally get that. But I'm slowly feeling as though being number two means being about 7 laps behind number 1, if we were running a race...and there's no way I'm going to catch up. I don't like the idea of being a quitter, but honestly right now I'm tired. I'm tired from my own daily dealings, and worrying about my standings with you is just adding stress to what I'd hoped would be a relatively stress free summer, and it's draining, so I'm just gonna not. I'm not going to care anymore; I'm not going to initiate anymore; I'm just not. Whatever is supposed to  happen will, and that's it. I've decreased in importance for you and on top of that I'm convinced number 1 doesn't want me in your life (which I'm gonna say I don't actually care about b/c the constant bigoted commentary was wearing my patience thin). If that works for you, it is what it is, and I'm going to have to be ok with it. I've never wanted an either-or type deal...I just feel like there needs to be balance...but that doesn't seem like it's in the realm of possibilities. I don't want to seem jealous or unreasonable or just an all around bad friend. I want the best for you and I want you to be happy. And you are...so I'm good with whatever. Besides that, I honestly have never been one to fight a losing battle, so number 1, it's simple. You win. I give up.

I need to see someone about this

Ok, so today I went to a webinar about Involuntary Withdrawal policies...bringing them to campuses and how schools can make sure they use them properly and avoid potential lawsuits and such. Well over the course of listening to that webinar and talking through a few things, I came back to my office and began seriously thinking about getting a law degree to supplement the degree I will have come may, the degree I'll be able to start in 3 years and my work in general. It's like...if I know the legal ramifications of the work, plus have the abilites to be a liscenced psychologist I could seriously be a force to be reckoned with and be able to offer my students, clients, or whatever the best possible assistance b/c I'd have all my bases covered essentially...but as I'm looking around at program offerrings...I was actually looking for a JD/PhD program that allowed me to decide what the PhD would be in and I could go there...perfect...it'd be 6 years rather than 8 to get both degrees...but the only place that has that is Columbia, and I don't like their psych program...boo...but Carolina has a law school and they have the PhD program I want to take...so technically I could start that program and get some work done at the same time and then finish that program in time to start my PhD progran....as I'm thinking of all of this, and I actually found and did the first 5 questions of an LSAT practice test (I got them all right btw)...I'm now realizing that I have a serious problem. Is there anything wrong with wanting to get education? Absolutely not...but do I feel like there has to be some strange reason why I'm actually a bit exhausted when it comes to school, but I can't bring myself to be okay with the whole I'll have to have a job in a little under a year. Ugh...I will work on this...'cause seriously...I fear it is a bit of a problem.  : (

I can't focus when....

...I don't have things printed out in front of me. I'm working on creating learning outcomes for my internship. And on top of the fact that I don't exactly know how to create them (though I've had to do them a few times) I can't focus on anything because all the information I have is on the computer screen...and honestly the computer isn't where I create...or at least not where I start the creation process...so I keep looking at the screen and not having anything to add. It's no bueno...that I continue to get text messages from Tyrone, Kolya, Emelia...and for a time Tiffanie...I can't not speak with them...so it is what it is.

Another interesting thing I've learned about myself...wait..I set that up poorly...that's not what I meant to put, but it shall stay. Um...I got super excited today about 2 policies that I'll be able to research and potentially craft, or help craft. It's pretty cool, that I'm excited about that...but at the same time...it's like...I still enjoy that student piece...it's like right now, I'm not talking to my officemate Tristan...not because I don't like her...but just 'cause I don't feel the need to. But if I had students, I would feel the need for conversation. It's weird. I'm weird.

Sent an email to the boss....well ex-boss lady today about changes. I haven't heard back from her yet....so I don't know what that means...but I sent it and I suppose that's all that matters. I was pretty irate about wacktastic changes they continue to make like they don't affect others...namely the students they are there to assist. Ugh...they make me angry, b/c I don't feel like they're what student affairs should be and I want them to get on it. They're ridiculous. So...update...as I'm typing...got my response from ex-boss...and I failed...I spoke up...but alas I have failed...and my kids will no longer be mine. This is so WACK!

Ok...gonna attempt to do real work...ish...we'll see...I'll be leaving in an hour...to brave the traffice back to Arlington...it's gonna be a long trip

I started this once before

So I began this blog a while back...meaning earlier today, but something weird happened on the computer I was working on, and the computer froze and so there went the entry...I think that's probably a good thing, 'cause it was going downhill that entry was...right now...I still have some of those same sentiments/ideas or whatever...ok...so where I got interrupted before I was saying it's exciting that Kendra and Brittany are graduated and on the bigger and better things...aka becoming adults and getting jobs and such...and technically I should be great on that too...well...I haven't graduated yet...but that's just around the corner...but honestly Ebonii isn't ecstatic about the working part...I feel like I'm...I don't know...I have a lot of things I want to do...granted I don't have money to do them....but I really have things I want to do...I want to travel. And I want to dance. And I want to travel some more. And I want to write a book. And I want to just do things that I've never done before, and see people and places I've never seen before...and on top of all of that...I have no clue where I want to work and live. I had a clue...but things keep changing...Brittany's lookin' for a solo spot, which makes sense since I won't be here for another year....and besides I don't feel like it'd work out b/c of the seriousness of the T-B show...so ok...that's fine...but then I don't have space at my casa...and I don't particularly want to go back to the house anyway...and on top of that looking online right now at the Student Affairs jobs...wait...amend that...at jobs that I actually want to do....they're not here...and I know now is not a year from now...but I can't help but feel like I need to be prepared in the event that now looks like a year from now will look. Anyway...I have tasks I want to complete...and this whole "real life/real world" things is comin' all too fast. I kinda want to take a sabbatical.