I can't focus when....

...I don't have things printed out in front of me. I'm working on creating learning outcomes for my internship. And on top of the fact that I don't exactly know how to create them (though I've had to do them a few times) I can't focus on anything because all the information I have is on the computer screen...and honestly the computer isn't where I create...or at least not where I start the creation process...so I keep looking at the screen and not having anything to add. It's no bueno...that I continue to get text messages from Tyrone, Kolya, Emelia...and for a time Tiffanie...I can't not speak with them...so it is what it is.

Another interesting thing I've learned about myself...wait..I set that up poorly...that's not what I meant to put, but it shall stay. Um...I got super excited today about 2 policies that I'll be able to research and potentially craft, or help craft. It's pretty cool, that I'm excited about that...but at the same time...it's like...I still enjoy that student piece...it's like right now, I'm not talking to my officemate Tristan...not because I don't like her...but just 'cause I don't feel the need to. But if I had students, I would feel the need for conversation. It's weird. I'm weird.

Sent an email to the boss....well ex-boss lady today about changes. I haven't heard back from her yet....so I don't know what that means...but I sent it and I suppose that's all that matters. I was pretty irate about wacktastic changes they continue to make like they don't affect others...namely the students they are there to assist. Ugh...they make me angry, b/c I don't feel like they're what student affairs should be and I want them to get on it. They're ridiculous. So...update...as I'm typing...got my response from ex-boss...and I failed...I spoke up...but alas I have failed...and my kids will no longer be mine. This is so WACK!

Ok...gonna attempt to do real work...ish...we'll see...I'll be leaving in an hour...to brave the traffice back to Arlington...it's gonna be a long trip

I started this once before

So I began this blog a while back...meaning earlier today, but something weird happened on the computer I was working on, and the computer froze and so there went the entry...I think that's probably a good thing, 'cause it was going downhill that entry was...right now...I still have some of those same sentiments/ideas or whatever...ok...so where I got interrupted before I was saying it's exciting that Kendra and Brittany are graduated and on the bigger and better things...aka becoming adults and getting jobs and such...and technically I should be great on that too...well...I haven't graduated yet...but that's just around the corner...but honestly Ebonii isn't ecstatic about the working part...I feel like I'm...I don't know...I have a lot of things I want to do...granted I don't have money to do them....but I really have things I want to do...I want to travel. And I want to dance. And I want to travel some more. And I want to write a book. And I want to just do things that I've never done before, and see people and places I've never seen before...and on top of all of that...I have no clue where I want to work and live. I had a clue...but things keep changing...Brittany's lookin' for a solo spot, which makes sense since I won't be here for another year....and besides I don't feel like it'd work out b/c of the seriousness of the T-B show...so ok...that's fine...but then I don't have space at my casa...and I don't particularly want to go back to the house anyway...and on top of that looking online right now at the Student Affairs jobs...wait...amend that...at jobs that I actually want to do....they're not here...and I know now is not a year from now...but I can't help but feel like I need to be prepared in the event that now looks like a year from now will look. Anyway...I have tasks I want to complete...and this whole "real life/real world" things is comin' all too fast. I kinda want to take a sabbatical.

So much of nothing is going on and it's all going so fast and all I want it to do is stop...

...Internally I'm experiencing a mild panic attack. What has brought this on...I don't know...I think it's been simmering for a while. I think I've gotten to this point where so many things are just going well...and going so right...and a small part of me says that something is so wrong...and any minute now I'm going to be side swiped by the inevitable not so well that is approaching...I don't know why I can't just be happy and content with what is...right now...but something isn't sitting well with me and I don't like that feeling. I should be like super happy and just like...hardcore about life...I fell pretty and settled and good for the first time in a while...I'm doing well in my academic life/professional life...I feel good and pretty with physical me, and that's good...that's great actually that I'm waking up daily and being pleased with the person that looks back at me in the mirror. That's awesome...so why then is there this something else that's plaguing me right now...or at least it's trying to...I'm trying to resist. It's weird too b/c I haven't journaled in like 3 weeks...it's weird...b/c there's so much going on in my head...but I just haven't felt the need to put things down on paper...oh...I think right now seeing Brittany and Kendra being done with school and being very much about getting to work and being all adulty

I'm so gonna punch...

...that guy in his face. He is seriously getting on my nerves. Who knew one individual could cause so much drama and I've never met him before. Ugh. I don't know wha his problem is, but seriously I want for him not to have my email address, and not to have my phone number and not to be calling me from more than one number. He's supposed to be a real professional...what is his problem?!?

k...done with that...

I hope I'm not that person...

....who brings you down....like so far down, just by being them. Like I hope that when I'm in a sour mood, I don't just bring a giant gray cloud everywhere I go...making others feel just as disgusting as I feel. Cause right now...no, not right now...any time I'm dealing with CM or ED when they're upset or something...I just feel...I don't want to be around them. It physically makes me feel bad, and I just really want to get away...after attempting to cheer up a few times and I fail with them...I just throw in the towel and really want to slap them and be like, get over yourselves!

So going with that whole, the people around you reflect you...does that mean...that when I deal with CM/ED I'm really dealing with me, and that's how I make others feel?!? I pray not. Cause honestly....I can see why I can count my friends (real friends) on 1 hand. In my head I say it's selectivity...but if I behave much like CM/ED then it's not really that...it's more like I'm too much of an irritant to be around so others distance themselves.

I think all this alone time is starting to get to me. That on top of I'm tired of not having, or not feeling like I have a person to talk to here. A real live person that is. I have so much going on in my world. So many words whirlling around. So many questions. So many thoughts...and they're just dying to come out...and they can't b/c no one will listen long enough to get them there. And then when I finally get someone's attention...I don't let it all out 'cause I don't want it to seem as though all I really want to do is hear myself talk. That's not the case...I really just need to get it all out...but no one will let me. AHH

Ok...I'm gonna be done with this right now.

In exactly 6 days from today I'm going to dinner with myself and to a movie with myself to see the new JLo flick, "The Back-up Plan". I'm so freaking excited. I'm totally jumping for joy and screaming all at once (not really, but I want to).

Then, 6 days after that, classes are officially over.

Theb, 5 days after that I have the 1 "final" that I have...in class

Then, 2 days after than my last assignment is due.

Then, 2 days after that I see my BDB and good friend Dawn graduate

Then, 2 days after that I get in my car for I'll be heading home.

Then, 2 days, on May 11th, I'll be HOME!

So, in summary...that's 12 days 'til no school, 19 days 'til no class work, and 23 days 'til I'm heading home, and 25 days 'til I'm actually there. I can't wait.

Ok, I'm sleepy...goona go...and worry about my 12 days.....

I wish I could fix everything...

...but I can't....and it kills me.

...

I'm different. I'm not sure if this is a bad different...or a good different...or just different...but that that I do know is that I am, or at least I feel different. I'm sitting in class and granted being in class I"m never over the moon happy, but right now I definitely, totally not doing ok. I know a part of that was lingering from yesterday. I just got back into town. Gainesville was super sucky...como siempre. But it really, really just makes me want to scream and holler