I can't focus when....

...I don't have things printed out in front of me. I'm working on creating learning outcomes for my internship. And on top of the fact that I don't exactly know how to create them (though I've had to do them a few times) I can't focus on anything because all the information I have is on the computer screen...and honestly the computer isn't where I create...or at least not where I start the creation process...so I keep looking at the screen and not having anything to add. It's no bueno...that I continue to get text messages from Tyrone, Kolya, Emelia...and for a time Tiffanie...I can't not speak with them...so it is what it is.

Another interesting thing I've learned about myself...wait..I set that up poorly...that's not what I meant to put, but it shall stay. Um...I got super excited today about 2 policies that I'll be able to research and potentially craft, or help craft. It's pretty cool, that I'm excited about that...but at the same time...it's like...I still enjoy that student piece...it's like right now, I'm not talking to my officemate Tristan...not because I don't like her...but just 'cause I don't feel the need to. But if I had students, I would feel the need for conversation. It's weird. I'm weird.

Sent an email to the boss....well ex-boss lady today about changes. I haven't heard back from her yet....so I don't know what that means...but I sent it and I suppose that's all that matters. I was pretty irate about wacktastic changes they continue to make like they don't affect others...namely the students they are there to assist. Ugh...they make me angry, b/c I don't feel like they're what student affairs should be and I want them to get on it. They're ridiculous. So...update...as I'm typing...got my response from ex-boss...and I failed...I spoke up...but alas I have failed...and my kids will no longer be mine. This is so WACK!

Ok...gonna attempt to do real work...ish...we'll see...I'll be leaving in an hour...to brave the traffice back to Arlington...it's gonna be a long trip

I started this once before

So I began this blog a while back...meaning earlier today, but something weird happened on the computer I was working on, and the computer froze and so there went the entry...I think that's probably a good thing, 'cause it was going downhill that entry was...right now...I still have some of those same sentiments/ideas or whatever...ok...so where I got interrupted before I was saying it's exciting that Kendra and Brittany are graduated and on the bigger and better things...aka becoming adults and getting jobs and such...and technically I should be great on that too...well...I haven't graduated yet...but that's just around the corner...but honestly Ebonii isn't ecstatic about the working part...I feel like I'm...I don't know...I have a lot of things I want to do...granted I don't have money to do them....but I really have things I want to do...I want to travel. And I want to dance. And I want to travel some more. And I want to write a book. And I want to just do things that I've never done before, and see people and places I've never seen before...and on top of all of that...I have no clue where I want to work and live. I had a clue...but things keep changing...Brittany's lookin' for a solo spot, which makes sense since I won't be here for another year....and besides I don't feel like it'd work out b/c of the seriousness of the T-B show...so ok...that's fine...but then I don't have space at my casa...and I don't particularly want to go back to the house anyway...and on top of that looking online right now at the Student Affairs jobs...wait...amend that...at jobs that I actually want to do....they're not here...and I know now is not a year from now...but I can't help but feel like I need to be prepared in the event that now looks like a year from now will look. Anyway...I have tasks I want to complete...and this whole "real life/real world" things is comin' all too fast. I kinda want to take a sabbatical.

So much of nothing is going on and it's all going so fast and all I want it to do is stop...

...Internally I'm experiencing a mild panic attack. What has brought this on...I don't know...I think it's been simmering for a while. I think I've gotten to this point where so many things are just going well...and going so right...and a small part of me says that something is so wrong...and any minute now I'm going to be side swiped by the inevitable not so well that is approaching...I don't know why I can't just be happy and content with what is...right now...but something isn't sitting well with me and I don't like that feeling. I should be like super happy and just like...hardcore about life...I fell pretty and settled and good for the first time in a while...I'm doing well in my academic life/professional life...I feel good and pretty with physical me, and that's good...that's great actually that I'm waking up daily and being pleased with the person that looks back at me in the mirror. That's awesome...so why then is there this something else that's plaguing me right now...or at least it's trying to...I'm trying to resist. It's weird too b/c I haven't journaled in like 3 weeks...it's weird...b/c there's so much going on in my head...but I just haven't felt the need to put things down on paper...oh...I think right now seeing Brittany and Kendra being done with school and being very much about getting to work and being all adulty