Some truth hit me this morning...

and what I found out is, or realized rather, is that I can't fake happiness. Not true, legit happiness anyway. I mean I can definitely put a smile on and talk a mean game and fill my days with tons and tons of space and time fillers...but in essence in the quiet times of life...when I'm forced to be silent for whatever reason, I will come face to face with the immutable truth of the unhappiness that is the reality that I live in. With all that being said, I'm totally not like depressed or on the verge of anything super bad, but I'm generally content with where I am, what I'm doing, how I'm living and all that jazz....and I want to be HAPPY about it all...not just ok. I think I started recognizing that when in all of a week, I've started to put on a bit of weight...now mind you a bit is like 2-4 pounds, and really does that hurt my life, no, but it does speak volumes about how I'm living. How is it that when I'm at home and happy I lose weight and then settle into my baseline which is 125....then when I'm in an undesirable situation (e.g. Athens, GA) I gain....if the weight thing isn't convincing enough...I also find that I have horrible sleeping patterns...either I'm a total insomniac and I can't will myself to sleep, or I find that all I want to do is sleep, and no amount of sleep leaves me feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. Not only that, but I get into these terrible funks where all I want is to talk to somebody...and it's not even that good, healthy talking (like real dialogue)...it's more monologue-y... where I've been without human contact for so long that all I really wanna do is get out all of my thoughts and endless discourses that have been floating about in my head...I'm not totally concerned with hearing what anyone else has to say, nor is it beneficial (for me) that they participate in the conversation...I just want the words out of my head.

Anyway...I'm sittin' on the couch watching...or listening rather, to 17 again and I'm supposed to be creating a to-do list for today and just in general for a while...but I haven't. I have responded to and sent a number of emails, and that was important, but I haven't gotten to the meat of anything...like so for real, tomorrow I have a program for my students that I haven't even begun to think about what it will/should look like. Additionally, I have to submit a research topic by tomorrow morning...which really means today...before 5. I have to vote on some regional awards by 5, and submit an email saying why I'm not voting on one particular category. I have to get stuff in line to ask my boss tomorrow. I have to finish a self-evaluation. I have....ok, not gonna write this list, but let's just say and know that I have A LOT to do. I feel like I know that it's super bad that all I'm doing is counting down until I can get out and get a break from this place. I don't like being here...and I don't want to stay here. I hate it. And I think what's making it worse is that....wait...ultimately I think the real reason I'm disliking it so much is b/c I don't have anyone here who can serve as a witness to my life. There's no one here who knows what I'm doing on a daily basis...there's no one who I don't have to update over weeks or months of my life before we can move into present tense. Like the people that I'm around aren't necessarily concerned about me...they're really about them and theirs...or they don't have the same types of needs. Quite honestly I think I'm a very needy friend. I want to be in the know of all that is going on with you, and likewise I want you to know all that is going on with me. It makes me a bit sad that I have such ridiculous expectations. I want people to care more than they do...and I fear that my expectations are unreasonable...ugh...ok...I don't wanna do this right now...I really do have to get my life in order...

those impressions I mentioned earlier.

So today was to be the first day of classes and my first day at my practicum site. One of those two things occurred....which happens to be the latter. So, I rode to practicum with Katie today...actually I drove. All was pretty alright. It was a good ride. I, being awkward with small talk, managed to do pretty well the hour ride there and back home. At GSC however, it was just not right. I don't get wonderful or even good vibes from my boss. She makes me feel very much on edge, and borderline nervous at times when she's around. She behaves in a most ingenuine manner and things are just too contrived for my taste. She seemed very unprepared for my arrival...and we honestly didn't get anywhere. Except that she printed me a calendar with dates or what have you that we'll be meeting and when there'll be staff meetings and other meetings I may want to attend. Staff meeting was this afternoon...A-W-K-W-A-R-D! So serious...I was completely weirded out by the entire process. And from our conversation in the car, I'm sure Katie feels the same way...just like it's abnormal and pretty pointless/purposeless....It's funny...on the way there she said that the boss, Cara, is the most intentionally busy person ever...and her phraseology and word usage was perfect. She is intentionally busy...but not intentional about the activities and not purposeful in the things she does or she has others do. Honestly we don't need to have a staff meeting every week...I think every other week would suffice just fine...but then again...I'm not running the office....

OMGoodness...random I totally see my Restorative comin' out...unfortunately it comes out in my highlighting things that are wrong....and essentially that looks like me being overly negative...si....yes! Dangit! Clearly that's not my intention....that's just how it works out...I'm constantly seeing flaws in things...and that's my #1.....so what does Ebonii need to do?!? Balance...or just re-work how things are coming out. I need to positively point out obvious (to me) flaws/negatives.....that is the key to better interactions with others....and probably overall just a better me.

Restorative:

"...you enjoy bringing things back to life. It is a wonderful feeling to identify the undermining factor(s), eradicate them, and restore something to its true glory. Intuitively, you know that without your intervention, this thing-this machine, this technique, this person, this company-might have ceased to function. You fixed it, resuscitated it, rekindled its vitality. Phrasing it the way you might, you saved it..."

"In all of your relationships, do not be afraid to let others know that you enjoy fixing problems. It comes naturally to you, but many people shy away from problems. You can help....Allow other people to solve their own problems. You might want to rush in and solve things for them, but in so doing you might hinder their learning."  - I wonder if this means, I might create problems too...just to have something to fix?!? Could clear up a lot from previous relationships....or just my "story making" disposition in general.

Anyway, back to work...um....yeah....so today for me was a bit of a bust. Except for the fact that we got to leave early on account of the snow flurries that were a-flurryin'....I found out that my wonderful 9-4 hours on Fridays were no more...cause they close at 3....so I'll be working 8-3, which means I'm up at the crack of dawn because it takes an hour to get there, so I'll need to leave at least by 7...which really means 6:45...which means I'm up at like 5....what in the world?!? That is not fun. I don't wanna get up at nobody's 5 in the morning. Those were old days when I used to do that...like way back in high school. I haven't had to wake up that early in so long. I don't know if I'm gonna be ready for it. AHH. Anyway...that's all for now...I'm supposed to have outcomes for work for tomorrow morning for my 1-on-1...so I should probably go work on something to say there that sounds remotely legit.

First impressions matter.

Remind me to blog about my first day of work/school. So much in so little time.

My name is Mary Fiore

So I'm totally sitting on my couch in my living room watching Four Christmases. I've been in Athens for 24 hours now. Twenty four full hours, and it doesn't get any better. Unfortunately. I went grocery shopping and back to school shopping...and I attempted to go work clothes shopping (but that didn't go over too well). Back at home, I cleaned and put groceries and such away and rearranged my clothes in their suitcases and cleaned my closet and cleaned up the living room and now I'm sittin...watching a movie....a love story...good exciting thing, I feel totally like Mary at the beginning of The Wedding Planner. She gets home sits and eats and watches tv and then she cleans before getting ready for bed. That's so me right now. Woo...but then I was like, un-woo b/c I'm sitting. On my couch. Alone. and definitely so was Mary when she was there. Only she pretended that life was grand for her....and she filled her days with lots of stuff and was totally a control freak in order to maintain the "everything is so legit and peachy" kind of aura....oh my no....doesn't that sound so familiar?!? Yeah 'cause it's me!

This is not looking good already. I know when I'm sad I get fat and oddly enough when I'm happy I lose some and then I get a little fat after that....yeah, so when I moved to Athens I gained like 3-5 pounds...and when I went home for break I totally lost 4-5 pounds....hmm...

Alright...if I'm Mary...I'll be Mary...I'll take that....if she is me...If I am her....where's my friggin' Steve?!? Of at least my Massimo?!? Oh, boo.

All I heard was a scream...

So this morning I was awoken by a very piercing scream from my little sister. Since we were the last to fall asleep watching a movie last night, she slept with me in my room. I'm not quite sure what happened, but she screamed. I woke up. I shook her 'cause I thought she was still asleep and having a bad dream. But through the fog, that is not having my glasses on, I could see dark, blood-like stuff from her mouth. Sure enough I reached for my glasses and she ran to the bathroom, and I followed to find her mouth full of blood. A previously broken tooth was again broken, her lip was gushing and apparently a baby tooth decided to remove itself from her mouth as well. I ran back to my room to find the broken portion of the tooth and found my windowsill split in two...and interestingly enough there were two teeth marks on the sill, almost as if Elexis bit it. It was so freakin' weird. So we clean all the blood and Elexis and lay her in the game room on the futon....somewhere in there me and mama look at Lex's lip and see that the cut isn't just on the inside, it's all the way through. OMG...so now we're all preparing to go to the emergency room. Bah! Me, mama, Aaron, Granny and Lex trek to Arlington Memorial Hospital. As we pull up we're reminiscing about days both Aaron and I spent there...with anything but fondness. Much our surprise, there are only like 2 other patients there. Unfortunately, AMH lives up to the ER stereotype and our wait is atrocious. Elexis goes back for vitals and in the time she's there 4 other patients enter and are seen. As one might imagine my tolerance and patience level were goin' south. Eventually (after 2 hours there) Lex is finally taken to a room where her vitals are once again taken, she's given a local anesthetic to numb her lip and a painkiller, and she is told that a doctor would be there soon. "Young, cute Dr. Martin" comes in and Elexis makes him pinky swear the procedure won't hurt. He does and says he'll be back. False. It's 9A. Enter Ebonii at 10A and there is still no sign of a doctor. Really friends?!? I'm sure it takes like 15-20 min to do a few sutures. 7 nurses and apparently 1 doctor for the whole ER....and the nurses are apparently only good for fetching robes and taking vitals (which are all digital so the take no real skill). UGH. Watchin' tv and snooping in the room....trying to figure out why there's a baby Shasta soda can in the cabinet with the bottles of Saline...trying to understand by the room is dirty and why the trash smells like super soiled sanitary napkin. It's now 12N. Nurse comes in again for vitals and says the doctor is on his way. LIES! Again! Come 1 o'clock a Dr. Adrien Cheong (nice guy) and his P.A. Laura enter the scene.  They are definitely not "Young, cute Dr. Martin", but they're credentialled so it's all gravy. I guess. They remove the gauze and bandaid from "Young, cute Dr. Martin" and take a look and magically Dr. Cheong gets paged over the intercom. He departs. Totally coming back soon. 1:45P....no one is there yet again. I stand in the hall uber irritated with everything. Man Nurse Blaine walks by and says "Is there still no doctor here?!" We're like, yeah no....He says he's gonna go find him. Exit Man Nurse Blaine. 2:15P...Dr. Cheong and P.A. Laura come back.  stitches and 15min later, Elexis is done. Dr. Cheong and P.A. Laura leave. I exit to relay the news to Granny and Aaron in the waiting room. Elexis is finally discharged at 2:45P. She has a dentist's appointmen at 3:45P. Fail Arlington Memorial. Fail. I'm now at home and mama and Lex are at the dentist's....I'm more tired than I can verbalize (and that's rare)...and I have a meeting with a mentee 13 minutes ago. Oh my no.

Always with you - January 2, 2010

ALWAYS
WITH YOU

Read:
Psalm 25:4-10

The highway that winds around the southern shore of Lake Michigan can be tracherous in the winter. One weekend as we were driving back to Grand Rapids from Chicago, a buildup of snow and ice slowed traffic, caused numerous accidents, and almost doubled our drive time. We were relieved as we eased off the expressway onoour final road. It was then that my husband said out loud, Thanks Lord, I think I can take it from here."
   Just as he finished saying the words, our car spun around 180 degrees. As we came to a stop, hearts pounding, we could just imagine God saying: "Are you sure?"
   Why do we sometimes try to go it alone in life when at every moment we have access to God? He said: "I am with you and will keep you wherever you go" (Gen. 28:15). And He assures us: "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Heb. 13:5).
   Scottish mathematician, theologian, and preacher Thomas Chalmers (1780-1847) wrote: "When I walk by the wayside, He is along with me. When I enter into company, amid all my forgetfulness of Him, He never forgets me....Go where I will, He tends me, and watches me, and cares for me."
   What a comfort to know that God is always with us - we don't need to go through life alone!
                                                                                                                               - Cindy Hess Kasper

This was the reading from my Daily Bread today. It is funny and interesting and much needed all at the same time. I definitely just wrote an entry for my other blog and I was whining about how I saw all these other people on facebook who are totally engaged or hooked up. And it's interesting how in general as I've continued through life (romantic and just regular life) I keep trying to do everything on my own. That's one of my biggest vices. I don't let people in, and additionally I don't allow God to be the captain of my ship. As I've gotten older and matured I've definitely recognized how much better life is when I'm not attempting to live by my own rules....like I tried to explain to Aaron that it's amazing how when you stop trying to do it all, and truly allow God to lead the way, doors just begin opening up. Of course as a God-follower, you will still run up against trials, but with Him you will have the strength to make it through, and with Him you will travel down the path that has been set for you. I've said it before (not here of course) but I've always found it much easier to trust God to guide me towards my non-love life destination...I fought at first with the whole med school thing, but there's never been a doubt in my mind about not having a work path, or having somewhere to work....but I've always been frightened and hesitant to trust Him about me and love. And even though in deed I'm not trying to 'blaze my own trail' and do things my way....in thought I'm freakin' 'Doubting Didymous' and on top of that post the MW show, I feel like I've grown a lot and that I'm so ready for my Mr. Forever. And even though I'm not saying a word, I'm thinking plenty....and that's me stuck in my own way....that's me saying "I can take it from here"..... today's message was so important. I know trials will come....but I don't want the ones I do encounter be results of my 180 degree turn from saying "I got this". Ahh...so easy and yet so completely difficult. I dunno.

Lord God Father....guide me, and lead me in the way that I should go. Harden not my heart so that I will do nothing short of Your will. In your precious son's name  Jesus I pray.

Amen.

It's the first day (technically the 2nd) of a brand new year. Does it feel any different?!? Of course it doesn't...but just the newness of being able to write 01.02.10 makes all the difference. How have I spent the beginnings of my new year?!? Yeah well...attempting to sleep. Lol. New Year's Eve was fun (per usual). We were up all night playing games, karaoke-ing, eating tons of junk food and just having conversation. Good times. Unfortunately, we did have a party pooper and she made it so none of us were able to fall asleep. Eventually I took a bit of a nap. About an hour today...but again, it's a new day and I'm still awake and still pooped. This could potentially destroy any pretend plans I could've/would've maybe created for tomorrow. I still wanna have lunch/dinner with my daddy, and Jacob said he wanted to hang. And Saren and Natalie both want to hang out. Um... still supposed to have the Fawlty Towers marathon and not to mention I want to go skating and I need mama to do my hair. Ahh so much to do and only 3-ish days to do it. I'm sad. And I'm sick and tired of reading so many people's twitters that say they miss Athens and that they miss being back...better yet...I'm so weirded out by the people that are already back. VOLUNTARILY! So freakin' wack. Utterly confused. Ten days prior to the start of classes (which would've been December 28th) I should've had my financial aid funds in my bank account. DEFINITELY THEY'RE NOT THERE AND I'M BROKE! Ahh...oh no! Lol. I'm not really panicking. I think I was in this position (actually worse) just last semester. I was hoping it wouldn't occur this way because since everything is set-up all should be well. Right?!? Wrong! Wanna know why? 'Cause the financial aid bureau/bursar's office at the University of Georgia sucks so much! So hopefully, when staff and such return to campus on the 5th things will get themselves in order. Si no....ah fooey. I don't paticularly wanna go through that again...but things are what they have to be...so I'll tough it out. I got bills due on the 7th. Well...at least one. I can only imagine what my mailbox looks like at the Apartment. Full of junk mail no doubt...plus probably all three of my bills....cable/power/water. Ahh!

Ok...new thing to ponder as I drift away into slumber....Ebonii T. Nelson....are you living or just existing?!? Be wise in how you spend your blessed days.