I'm so gonna punch...

...that guy in his face. He is seriously getting on my nerves. Who knew one individual could cause so much drama and I've never met him before. Ugh. I don't know wha his problem is, but seriously I want for him not to have my email address, and not to have my phone number and not to be calling me from more than one number. He's supposed to be a real professional...what is his problem?!?

k...done with that...

I hope I'm not that person...

....who brings you down....like so far down, just by being them. Like I hope that when I'm in a sour mood, I don't just bring a giant gray cloud everywhere I go...making others feel just as disgusting as I feel. Cause right now...no, not right now...any time I'm dealing with CM or ED when they're upset or something...I just feel...I don't want to be around them. It physically makes me feel bad, and I just really want to get away...after attempting to cheer up a few times and I fail with them...I just throw in the towel and really want to slap them and be like, get over yourselves!

So going with that whole, the people around you reflect you...does that mean...that when I deal with CM/ED I'm really dealing with me, and that's how I make others feel?!? I pray not. Cause honestly....I can see why I can count my friends (real friends) on 1 hand. In my head I say it's selectivity...but if I behave much like CM/ED then it's not really that...it's more like I'm too much of an irritant to be around so others distance themselves.

I think all this alone time is starting to get to me. That on top of I'm tired of not having, or not feeling like I have a person to talk to here. A real live person that is. I have so much going on in my world. So many words whirlling around. So many questions. So many thoughts...and they're just dying to come out...and they can't b/c no one will listen long enough to get them there. And then when I finally get someone's attention...I don't let it all out 'cause I don't want it to seem as though all I really want to do is hear myself talk. That's not the case...I really just need to get it all out...but no one will let me. AHH

Ok...I'm gonna be done with this right now.

In exactly 6 days from today I'm going to dinner with myself and to a movie with myself to see the new JLo flick, "The Back-up Plan". I'm so freaking excited. I'm totally jumping for joy and screaming all at once (not really, but I want to).

Then, 6 days after that, classes are officially over.

Theb, 5 days after that I have the 1 "final" that I have...in class

Then, 2 days after than my last assignment is due.

Then, 2 days after that I see my BDB and good friend Dawn graduate

Then, 2 days after that I get in my car for I'll be heading home.

Then, 2 days, on May 11th, I'll be HOME!

So, in summary...that's 12 days 'til no school, 19 days 'til no class work, and 23 days 'til I'm heading home, and 25 days 'til I'm actually there. I can't wait.

Ok, I'm sleepy...goona go...and worry about my 12 days.....

I wish I could fix everything...

...but I can't....and it kills me.

...

I'm different. I'm not sure if this is a bad different...or a good different...or just different...but that that I do know is that I am, or at least I feel different. I'm sitting in class and granted being in class I"m never over the moon happy, but right now I definitely, totally not doing ok. I know a part of that was lingering from yesterday. I just got back into town. Gainesville was super sucky...como siempre. But it really, really just makes me want to scream and holler

I feel like...

...tears will be shed in the very near future. I'm at that breaking point I feel. I'm so much in the position of not caring anymore and not wanting to be in this place at this time...and just not wanting to deal with any of this. I keep trying to tell myself that after this semester I don't have to work with these people anymore, but that's not helping at all...b/c all I can think about is the fact that I will have to be here and deal with this s*** for almost 5 more weeks. You go from not talking to me at all to talking to me like I'm an idiot and I'm stupid and you find great joy in pointing out all of the things I may or may not (b/c you never seem to know) be doing wrong. I just want to yell at you and do all of these things and say a ton of things that I cannot...and I hate feeling so powerless.

I feel like I'm drowning...

...and my life preserver has a hole in it...and I've lost my glasses...and it's in the dead of night...and I have no clue where I am.

So definitely, I need a break...

...from this place. I'm getting to that point where I kinda don't care about a lot, mostly cause I just really don't want to be here like AT ALL. My days are ridiculously busy and there's no stopping it...every time I think I get a free moment, I realize that it's not free...and even in my sleep, when life should be calm and rejuvinatory...I don't get that...my mind is constantly racing. It never stops..really, my sleep time is me just going through the motions so that my life feels like it's doing with it should be doing. I have like 5 voicemails that I've saved...that I intend to return...but it's been like 2 weeks since I got the first one...I look like a giant flake...a ghost...and that's not the goal at all...it's just...I have a lot to do. I have meetings to plan. Retreats to concoct. Papers to write. Research to do. Exams to study for. Interviews to hold....I have the fullest schedule and not really enough person-power or hours in a day to complete everything. Right now is perfect...am I blogging, yes...but technically right now I should be working on planning the meeting I'll be doing tomorrow night. Additionally...I have rooms to reserve.. and...I should be preparing for an exam I have Thursday morning as well as a meeting I have later this afternoon. Real talk...I should be woman-ing up for this meeting I have with my practicum supervisor today. I should be mentally preparing for a conversation that lets my supervisor know how unhappy I am. How unfulfilled I am. How un-challenged I feel. How unmotivated I feel. How purposeless my days seem when I'm here. I wish I could tell her that I don't and have never felt welcomed, nor that my presence was necessary. I want to tell her that I thought things were going to change, and so I was optimistic, but as of yet they haven't. I want to tell her that the highlight of last week, even though my car freaked out, was that I didn't have to come here. I didn't have to make the journey to come to this place and it was great. It was AH-MAZING actually. Though that did mean I had to figure out what to do with my life and I did spend an insane amount of additional hours in the office, all of it was much more enjoyable than making the horrendous journey out here to do nothing, to fade into oblivion and to matter not.

But alas, I don't know how to say any of that constructively and still in a manner that's respectful and conveys exactly how I feel, which isn't good. Ugh....assertiveness training...this is what I need. "How to not be fearful in voicing your opinions and feelings. In short, how to tell others what your needs are and that they aren't meeting them." Tears...I think need to come...but they're stuck wherever they are in my tear ducts...and besides that, there are just not real opportune times to cry.

In GREAT news....I was honored with the Dr. Tracy Ford Advisor Award for being a great advisor. It was quite a surprise and I was deeply appreciative and excited that I'm actually making a difference. I feel like I give as much as I can to my students, and I'm glad that they actually embrace it. Additional great times, ballroom yesterday. It was wonderful as usual. We did a little bit of Tango and then we hopped to Samba. Fun stuff. I wish we'd have gone back to Salsa...but we're still in the Latin genre, so honestly I'm not complaining.