I feel like...

...tears will be shed in the very near future. I'm at that breaking point I feel. I'm so much in the position of not caring anymore and not wanting to be in this place at this time...and just not wanting to deal with any of this. I keep trying to tell myself that after this semester I don't have to work with these people anymore, but that's not helping at all...b/c all I can think about is the fact that I will have to be here and deal with this s*** for almost 5 more weeks. You go from not talking to me at all to talking to me like I'm an idiot and I'm stupid and you find great joy in pointing out all of the things I may or may not (b/c you never seem to know) be doing wrong. I just want to yell at you and do all of these things and say a ton of things that I cannot...and I hate feeling so powerless.

I feel like I'm drowning...

...and my life preserver has a hole in it...and I've lost my glasses...and it's in the dead of night...and I have no clue where I am.

So definitely, I need a break...

...from this place. I'm getting to that point where I kinda don't care about a lot, mostly cause I just really don't want to be here like AT ALL. My days are ridiculously busy and there's no stopping it...every time I think I get a free moment, I realize that it's not free...and even in my sleep, when life should be calm and rejuvinatory...I don't get that...my mind is constantly racing. It never stops..really, my sleep time is me just going through the motions so that my life feels like it's doing with it should be doing. I have like 5 voicemails that I've saved...that I intend to return...but it's been like 2 weeks since I got the first one...I look like a giant flake...a ghost...and that's not the goal at all...it's just...I have a lot to do. I have meetings to plan. Retreats to concoct. Papers to write. Research to do. Exams to study for. Interviews to hold....I have the fullest schedule and not really enough person-power or hours in a day to complete everything. Right now is perfect...am I blogging, yes...but technically right now I should be working on planning the meeting I'll be doing tomorrow night. Additionally...I have rooms to reserve.. and...I should be preparing for an exam I have Thursday morning as well as a meeting I have later this afternoon. Real talk...I should be woman-ing up for this meeting I have with my practicum supervisor today. I should be mentally preparing for a conversation that lets my supervisor know how unhappy I am. How unfulfilled I am. How un-challenged I feel. How unmotivated I feel. How purposeless my days seem when I'm here. I wish I could tell her that I don't and have never felt welcomed, nor that my presence was necessary. I want to tell her that I thought things were going to change, and so I was optimistic, but as of yet they haven't. I want to tell her that the highlight of last week, even though my car freaked out, was that I didn't have to come here. I didn't have to make the journey to come to this place and it was great. It was AH-MAZING actually. Though that did mean I had to figure out what to do with my life and I did spend an insane amount of additional hours in the office, all of it was much more enjoyable than making the horrendous journey out here to do nothing, to fade into oblivion and to matter not.

But alas, I don't know how to say any of that constructively and still in a manner that's respectful and conveys exactly how I feel, which isn't good. Ugh....assertiveness training...this is what I need. "How to not be fearful in voicing your opinions and feelings. In short, how to tell others what your needs are and that they aren't meeting them." Tears...I think need to come...but they're stuck wherever they are in my tear ducts...and besides that, there are just not real opportune times to cry.

In GREAT news....I was honored with the Dr. Tracy Ford Advisor Award for being a great advisor. It was quite a surprise and I was deeply appreciative and excited that I'm actually making a difference. I feel like I give as much as I can to my students, and I'm glad that they actually embrace it. Additional great times, ballroom yesterday. It was wonderful as usual. We did a little bit of Tango and then we hopped to Samba. Fun stuff. I wish we'd have gone back to Salsa...but we're still in the Latin genre, so honestly I'm not complaining.