As I've gotten older...

...I feel like I've become more contemplative and even more introspective...but in all the contemplation and introspection, I definitely have this growing need/desire to have meaningful conversations with others about the thoughts I have...and unfortunately I don't feel like there are many who are available and willing to engage in said dialogue.

I've started to make some new decisions about the direction of my life. In the Fall of 2012 I will begin (pending acceptance) a doctoral program at the University of North Texas. One thing I have learned from being in the work world is that I find absolute fulfillment from being able to help others sort through their problems...confront their demons...reason with themselves...vocalize their fears...and make a game plan for a more promising life. Not to say that I delight in others' misery, because I don't, but I do feel like I have been blessed with an innate ability to help others find their mojo...or life drive...when they're low and I don't want to keep that gift to myself...and on the selfish side, doing this type of work makes me feel useful and with purpose...I feel like I fit and make sense doing that. So I will start...hopefully.

I learned that a part of the process involves actually speaking with a counselor yourself. This will help you to find your individual biases, learn what makes you tick and how you speak, and it will inadvertently help you get better at your work. I'm not going to lie, I am more excited about this than many other parts of the coursework because I'll finally have someone who wants to listen to me...or rather someone who will and won't change topics and veer onto their personal lives...this is the one time I know I will have 50-60 minutes of uninterrupted time that is nothing but focused on me...and I am absolutely thrilled about it.

I think I have definitely grown a lot since the last time I spoke with a counselor in 2009. I pay a lot more attention to my thoughts and emotions....I try a lot harder to identify them and I am working toward actually communicating them to others. That part takes a lot of hard work...because I feel like I have to be mentally prepared for whatever the response may be. I'm working a lot on not anticipating others' responses...though I do fall prey (on occasion) to have sole conversations with myself....'kay wait...that sounds a bit odd...not necessarily with myself...it's not like I answer or whatever...it's like I play an entire conversation between me and the other person that I should speak to in my head...and it's like I have that conversation and that releases me of the need to have the actual conversation...of course in real life that's not the case and the conversation should in fact occur...but ya know...baby steps. I'm getting there. I recognize it and I'm actively coming up with ways I can actually make it happen in life.

I definitely feel like I'm learning what matters most to me in life...well...work life rather. I do not like the structure of having someone to answer to that maintains control over the way in which I do the work that I do. I love having a boss who's there for moral support and who can help and guide me, much in the manner of a mentor.  But I do not like having a boss tell me what I have to do and the ways I have to do them. Let me do my job. Grr....my job is really starting to feel like a job...day in and day out. The newness of it has worn away. It doesn't excite me and in general I don't find it challenging nor do I find it something I want to go to everyday. That's bad. It makes me itch and truly feel like a walking, talking hypocrite/contradiction because my personal philosophy is to do what you love...and I'm not doing that. I don't even much like it...it's just something that I'm capable of doing. I have skills that are carrying me, but the passion that is necessary to sustain me is not there. The work I do is not in my heart...and programming is not a part of my life that I like to embrace...ugh...anyway...I shan't complain because it's annoying and gets you nowhere.

Okay....so....right. I think I'm done for today. For now.

Have you ever...

...stopped to ask yourself if at some point in time it'll be necessary to loose yourself of the friends you've "always had"? I am wondering if it's completely possible to maintain stable relationships with people you've been friends with for a lengthy period of time? I can't help but also think that this is probably a similar thing to ask when considering the concept of marriage.

People are supposed to grow and change together...right? What if they don't...like on their own? Is it your job as friend to help them grow up as you have? Or do you leave them behind amidst their stagnancy?

If you find yourself growing apart from your best friends...at what point do you break up with them? Or do you try? Do you think you could have grown so far apart that nothing is salvageable?  Or does that reflect your lack of trying...I dunno...lots of thoughts...

I see glimpses of the friendship that I know should still exist, but it seems like it moves too fast most of the time for me to take a picture of it to keep forever...or to even anchor it down so that every day after will be just a fruitful as the one before it/ I'm in between a rock and a rock, and a hard place on either side...and at the same time the ground is collapsing beneath me and my escape route is simultaneously disintegrating daring me to make a quick, fast decision.

Too much to think about and no one to sort it out with.

HawthoRNe (08.02.11)

Is it bad that I legit felt some of Christina's pain yesterday? Clearly I don't have the same problems that she has...like at all...but I do feel like I just need some one to talk to for a nondescript amount of time about anything and everything that roams through my head and maybe then I can uncover some lost memories or I can feel completely free because for the first time I have released all that there is to release.

Just a thought...

I'd hate to be...

...that person when every time I come around the air gets cold and still and I just bring down the mood. Funny how I work with two people who do just that. They bring down the mood of life. I really hate that for them, and I hate that for me b/c I don't particularly need randoms wreaking havoc on my life...and me having to use energy I need for other activities. I must be a human shield against negative energy and such...

Today is the antidote for yesterday...

...yesterday was kind of foul...it really was...I didn't get going for real for real until like 3:30...which meant consequently that I stayed at work a bit later making up for lost time. Last night I appealed to my pushover nature and I signed up for a service to help a friend...even though I and 100% sure I could've found a better deal elsewhere (namely b/c I found it)...I ache b/c I couldn't find a reasonable way to say...look I know you are struggling with money and this would help you...but yo I'm struggling too and I don't wanna play the trump card...but my money struggles kind of trump yours and helping you would inadvertently disadvantage me...none of that played out well for me...so I caved and we will hope and pray for the best as far as that situation is concerned. But today, this morning...I woke up kind of after I usually do..and I left the house later than I usually do...and yet none of that caused any discomfort. The day came...I had meetings...I received confirmations...I responded to emails I was too disgruntled to respond to yesterday...I've brought some clarity to my life...do I have a ton of stuff to do? HECK YEAH...but I feel really good about it. I made a phone call which is a big deal for me...don't know this lady but I need info like 2 days ago and she's sleepin' on my email...so yeah I was a legit big girl. I get my massage tonight so for that I will be forever grateful. Um...tomorrow I get to wear jeans which I'm pleased by that as well.

Today is exactly what I needed to cure yesterday. It's as if it didn't happen and that's just as it should be. I feel really, really...good.

There are those days...

...where you wake up and everything seems to piss you off. You're on edge and muy irritable and as much as you try to shake it...one more thing continues to happen to suck you back into that place you don't want to be. Well...that's me right now. I slept ok...woke up on time...but I was walking around in a funk haze...cars on the road were getting to me, random text message during my drive and subsequent phone call pushed that button; got an email that legitimately brought something to my attention that I knew not of has set me off...the randomized playlist on my music player is bothering me...couple that with my back hurts, I need to wash my hair, I have a blemish trying to sprout on my face, my thumb is still out of commission...and boom...the ugh-me is here...and I need her to go away. I wonder if I closed my door and my blinds and took a nap if 1) anyone would notice and 2) it would make things better...I dunno...

I'm over myself...today will NOT be this day.

It's honing in on day 3...

...of a beautifully horrible headache. I'm not sure what's going on beneath all the levels of dermis and my skull amidst all the veins, arteries and capillaries...but it's bringing me a whole lot of something other than peace. But...I'm ready for 90 days to be up so I can go to a physician...I'm tired of taking countless advils knowing that they won't do anything to solve the problem...and I'm kinda tired of hurting. For now I suppose I will try to calm myself and free my mind of any potential stresses that could be triggering this mind numbing pain.