...I feel like I've become more contemplative and even more introspective...but in all the contemplation and introspection, I definitely have this growing need/desire to have meaningful conversations with others about the thoughts I have...and unfortunately I don't feel like there are many who are available and willing to engage in said dialogue.
I've started to make some new decisions about the direction of my life. In the Fall of 2012 I will begin (pending acceptance) a doctoral program at the University of North Texas. One thing I have learned from being in the work world is that I find absolute fulfillment from being able to help others sort through their problems...confront their demons...reason with themselves...vocalize their fears...and make a game plan for a more promising life. Not to say that I delight in others' misery, because I don't, but I do feel like I have been blessed with an innate ability to help others find their mojo...or life drive...when they're low and I don't want to keep that gift to myself...and on the selfish side, doing this type of work makes me feel useful and with purpose...I feel like I fit and make sense doing that. So I will start...hopefully.
I learned that a part of the process involves actually speaking with a counselor yourself. This will help you to find your individual biases, learn what makes you tick and how you speak, and it will inadvertently help you get better at your work. I'm not going to lie, I am more excited about this than many other parts of the coursework because I'll finally have someone who wants to listen to me...or rather someone who will and won't change topics and veer onto their personal lives...this is the one time I know I will have 50-60 minutes of uninterrupted time that is nothing but focused on me...and I am absolutely thrilled about it.
I think I have definitely grown a lot since the last time I spoke with a counselor in 2009. I pay a lot more attention to my thoughts and emotions....I try a lot harder to identify them and I am working toward actually communicating them to others. That part takes a lot of hard work...because I feel like I have to be mentally prepared for whatever the response may be. I'm working a lot on not anticipating others' responses...though I do fall prey (on occasion) to have sole conversations with myself....'kay wait...that sounds a bit odd...not necessarily with myself...it's not like I answer or whatever...it's like I play an entire conversation between me and the other person that I should speak to in my head...and it's like I have that conversation and that releases me of the need to have the actual conversation...of course in real life that's not the case and the conversation should in fact occur...but ya know...baby steps. I'm getting there. I recognize it and I'm actively coming up with ways I can actually make it happen in life.
I definitely feel like I'm learning what matters most to me in life...well...work life rather. I do not like the structure of having someone to answer to that maintains control over the way in which I do the work that I do. I love having a boss who's there for moral support and who can help and guide me, much in the manner of a mentor. But I do not like having a boss tell me what I have to do and the ways I have to do them. Let me do my job. Grr....my job is really starting to feel like a job...day in and day out. The newness of it has worn away. It doesn't excite me and in general I don't find it challenging nor do I find it something I want to go to everyday. That's bad. It makes me itch and truly feel like a walking, talking hypocrite/contradiction because my personal philosophy is to do what you love...and I'm not doing that. I don't even much like it...it's just something that I'm capable of doing. I have skills that are carrying me, but the passion that is necessary to sustain me is not there. The work I do is not in my heart...and programming is not a part of my life that I like to embrace...ugh...anyway...I shan't complain because it's annoying and gets you nowhere.
Okay....so....right. I think I'm done for today. For now.
